Masculinity Lived As A Positive Lifestyle by Calvin Harris, H. W., M.

This article is inspired by the thought of New Year’s Resolutions and a blog heading I saw that read - “A Gentlemen’s Guide to Being a Man in the 21st Century.”

New Year’s Resolution? A Gentlemen’s Guide?? Some would say two dubious concepts at best, did you know that only 8% of people who make New Year's resolutions actually succeed in achieving them? Given the small percentage of resolutions accomplished within a year; and given the small percentage of men who are, or consider themselves Gentlemen, begs the question,  is the term Gentleman even used anymore? I have heard men called bitches frequently, but seldom is a man considered a gentleman anymore, which is sad.

A Gentleman should not be separated as something different than a Masculine man; In past decades James Bond, 007, could have once, passed as a Gentleman.  This change of attitude can be attributed to the bad rap Masculinity has been getting in the last decade, and thus to account for the separation and disappearance of Gentleman.

Oh, I’ve gotten ahead of myself, I started with New Year’s Resolution (NYR’s).

The reasons why many New Year’s Resolutions (NYR’s) fail come down to unconscious thinking of life as being broken down into segments and not as continuous living: it is not based on “a  continuous life – using living goals as a strategy.  In other words, It is not set-up in the person’s mind as something they are going to do for life, and thus to follow through on as a permanent life change outcome.

If understood and framed as a “Life change goal’ with defined small steps within a long-term process, not a short-term or once-a-year shot. Then that mindset shift changes from making New Year’s resolutions to creating lasting change throughout your life and will allow for unexpected accomplishments rather than the limited possibilities of a new year’s resolution.

Now as to this idea of Gentleman in the 21st Century, nobody really knows what that is going to look like. So let us address the elephant in the middle of the room, Masculinity in the 21st Century, yes, that is the hot topic at the turn of the 21st Century, and yes like New Year’s Resolutions, it is a decision every man will need to make as to how he will live his Masculinity.

Masculinity, like New Year’s Resolutions, If understood properly, has to be framed as a “Life change goal’ It has to be understood as a long-term process, not a short-term, once-a-year resolution. Masculinity is active, evolving, and changing, and for you to achieve your vision of it, on a personal level, will take small conscious steps to accomplish, and these will not be without challenges, culturally or otherwise.

“The superior man is he who develops, in harmonious proportions, his moral, intellectual and physical nature. This should be the end at which men of all classes should aim, and it is this only which constitutes real greatness.” - Douglas Jerrold.

It seems as males, we are plagued by the shifting cultural demands made by societies on Masculinity, and what is worse, we then have to hear the laments of societies, as to was it enough? too much? or too little?  Know that these questions and scenarios have stumped many of my fellow males and at one time myself as to how to behave, what actions to perform, and decisions to make.

The answers to those questions can be vast, confusing, and lead you into some murky depths,  depending on how and/or who you learned to be masculine from. Which is a very different question than what is my identity as a Masculine Male?

The problem — and even more so today — is that the responses wanted or required by culture/society diverges from the previous set of standards of behaviors, some of those standard set as far back as the 1950s. That divergence of masculinity has been widening ever since.  These changes go beyond being taught car maintenance, or love of football, or how and when to fight, or even how to tie a necktie? I wonder, will these even be issues in the 21st and 22nd Centuries?   

Thus, a question comes up what or how were you taught to be a “masculine male,” and now you as an adult, who and what does that mean, look like, or acts like to you?  For many males, those descriptors of the last century that described masculinity, are not the best fit, for how the masculine male wants to feel, be known as, or to operate from today.

It seems we are in unknown waters here, and the persons wanting to be identified as a person of the masculine gender and is looking for role models and masculine image figures, just might find only confusion based on societal norms offer, especially since these masculine roles are in transition.

We live an amalgamation, meaning; perceived character flaws and virtues of past decades of masculinity are sewn together like a patchwork quilt. This is good news for you because this amalgamation is up for evaluation and change.

Perhaps a better question here is what would you want to present to the world as your life and thus how  would your life be lived?

Thus, this conversation probes and dig into a discussion about society and ourselves, as to expectations about what is masculinity? What does that look like in real-time? and Why does it matter?

We want to look at it because we want to identify ourselves rather than having media telling us who we are, through online discussions, oftentimes giving a skewed picture of Masculinity called “toxic masculinity” i.e. pointing to the failures, shortcomings, and flaws of living out today’ version of masculinity. The content of these discussions are recounted stories of  mistreatment, or the scorn suffered at the hands of male lovers, friends, and family members, that when these stories are told, imply that “all” masculinity is “toxic masculinity.” We do not want to infer that the construct masculine is the portrayal, that all masculinity is toxic.

We do not want to confuse the word masculinity with its adjectives, or its’ modifiers… any of those words that follow masculine as being masculinity. What follows that word, only tries to explain a possible aspect of masculinity, not masculinity itself.

Let’s stop here for a moment and maybe reframe our subject matter. The actual issue, here is that no one has a clue as to what masculinity’s actual role will be. We’re able to point to traits, some considered at this time to be deplorable, and say they’re a form of “toxic masculinity,” yet by definition masculinity has to have its own set of characteristics.

Food for example — by definition —  food isn’t toxic. It only becomes so, if it is spoiled, that is infected with bacteria which would render it spoiled. 

If you know the concept food, and it purpose and function, then it does not become difficult to tell the difference between what’s nutritional support and what’s spoiled. If you did not know the concept food, then, every sort of food could be toxic.

Unfortunately, that seems to be the approach we have taken with the term masculinity. and — as stated — no one is talking about the defining traits or attributes of what masculinity is. We see it mostly in context revolving around topics like girls, cars, money, or gym workouts, which is rather silly.

Instead, we should be asking What traits which are timeless and not aged with societal whim and fancy can we use to describe masculinity.

Traits that can be used as a lens to look through for the timeless essence that represents masculinity, that we would want to emulate, masculinity at its best, and that with whom most would agree are the hallmarks of a good man or used to denote that phase “traits of a gentlemen.”

There is much to chew on with this article and to wrap your consciousness around. I would like for you to write out your definition of masculinity for yourself and how you want to out-picture it in your life, and how you would want to change or modify what that looks like?

I am not having you do this exercise from the standpoint of for good or bad but to understand that you are the ability to create, conceive and manifest in your world, because your real identity is wrapped up in the concept of conceiving words as much as the action of the word. that you are consciousness, the ability to think, plan, and execute ideas that will change you and your concept of the world.

Thus, as a male, you can choose how masculinity will be expressed in your world. If you identify as female how that masculinity will be perceived and accepted into your world. Hmm it seems we might be both if an action of stating and then conceiving an idea to come forth. Joking we are talking about states of consciousness, that may be under and back of all of this appearance But that is a discussion for another time.

It will be interesting what you come up with and the conclusion you come to about yourself. I would be interested in hearing about it

Aloha

Calvin.

Are You In The Moment by Calvin Harris H.W.,M.

Family gatherings and The Holiday Season seem to have us exhibit higher Tensions and stress levels. Emotions can flair.

Know that emotions are reactions to what may have happened to you rather than what is happening to you.  What you want to ask is “Are you letting emotions control your life?”

What comes next makes all the difference in your world. What comes next is your decision on your actions. Making decisions or taking action based on your emotions can result in a life driven by habits of reactions to circumstances rather than what’s possible...

What’s really possible for you, has infinite possibilities, available when you can stop, rethink and then listen to your intuition, or what I call The Unpredictable Good.

The unpredictable good comes to you when you can disassociate from past behaviors and emotions, and be focused on the present moment.

Allowing your greatest possibility to unfold effortlessly. IF you listen to and follow your intuition, rather than the emotions that come and go.

Understanding and learning to harness your feelings are the first steps on the journey to self-actualization. They are some of the keys to emotional intelligence.

Finally, understanding your ability to Feel, Rethink, and Apply Intuition is your birthright,  coming from who you indeed are, Consciousness, and your ability  to experience a more harmonious life, effortlessly in tune in the moment.

Contact me, when you are ready to journey towards your attuned life.

Take a small step...  Calvin Harris H.W.,M.  thothlearningcircle@gmail.com

Are You Living A Life That Feels Like It Belongs To Somebody Else? - by Calvin Harris H. W. M.

‘Befuddled’ is the destination we get to when we attempt to persuade our head of something that we know in our soul is clearly false.

Excruciating and unpleasant are the feelings one carries when living falsely. The problem is you're concealing how you truly feel, or saying what you think others need to hear you say, while doing things you would really prefer not to do—on the grounds that you believe you should.

 If this is done often enough, we don't remember we're doing it. There is only the sensation of realizing we feel off, or something feels wrong, and we are oblivious to know how to transform it.

 You know it when you hear your inner voice say,  “I don’t play an active role in my life, stuff just happens, and  you feel – Oh, we are doing that now.”

 What is an oblivious person?

 One lacking the memory of one’s authentic self. Thus, lacking active conscious knowledge or awareness of what to, or how to, act on one’s own behalf.

It bodes well when we become awake enough to deal with the battle, within us, for consistency with our authentic self.

From our early training forward, we have been educated to be acceptable,  to conform, and try not to make waves—to turn down our volume, get in line, and stop our crying (or they'll give us something to cry about).

The majority of humanity has not had the chance to get educated or even acquainted with the authentic self, to be able to cultivate or follow their true interest. Day-to-day tasks devour our authority of what options we have or what these tasks mean to us. Our bodies grow anxious from extended periods of tasked situations with no examination, and our brains are overpowered with retained realities that rule out free reasoning, thus draining our feelings of being energized or satisfied inside ourselves.

Many people’s experiences are similar to my own growing up, within my teen and early twenties when I was living life as a chameleon. When I was acting within expected and accommodating behaviors and yet continually hoping to be seen demonstrating an authentic self that made a difference. Of course, that was not going to happen working from the playbook of life that had been handed me by my culture and education.

 I did not fully understand my own opinions nor options while being too busy choking out my psyche with fears and desensitizing my feelings to even a small portion of self-awareness that was trying to emerge.

I am a bit embarrassed to say, but it implied I had no clue about what I required. I just realized I didn't feel, see, or hear it. I felt like nobody truly knew me. And yet, how could they when I was not even acquainted with myself?

Looking back, I realize I'd gained ground after a major setback forced me to finally sit down with myself and consider my life. It is funny but who came to mind was Fred McFeely Rogers, aka Mr. Rogers.

He was an American television host, author, producer, and Presbyterian minister, who at the time was up against television portrayals of macho men, and hyper-masculinity images. Working from his authentic self, he created and produced a television show that portrayed a man, who could be nurturing, kind, and caring; that showed an alternative to how to be in the world. His targeted audience, the next generation of world citizens, the children, and his program was called Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

This man was impactful to me on many levels, but at the time, what stood out was his words, in one of his books, that said:  "One can only earn trust through personal integrity.” I realized personal integrity had to start with me.

I had to ask myself: “If there were no restrictions, what would I do,  and who would I be?”

After about a year or so, and many attempts that brought up insignificant answers, which were really rundowns of flighty decisions to try and back up various faulty and illegitimate reasons I gave to continuing with already-in-place faulty conclusions. I finally began a conscious move to shift-shape from trying to satisfy others, to what is it that I truly wanted to do, to make a difference.

I had to think through not being an individual who panders to what is the prominent or a ‘what’s happening right now”  attitude. I realized I  preferred not to squander time attempting to being just adequate for another, as opposed to being outstanding doing what is right given my innate gifts and working from my authentic self.

A change started to happen as well when I stop allowing others to direct my decisions without contemplating the outcome.  I had to consider myself as the author of my thoughts, the ability to think and govern thought.  I needed to realize that my thoughts are what make up my actions, my principles, and create the terms upon which I live.  Giving me permission to choose what my freedom to decide is based upon.

This implied stripping away layers of dread and mold, to find that unalterable truth about myself and having it be consistent with what I did and accept as correct. I am Consciousness, the ability to think, research, weigh the evidence, and make decisions that will manifest in my material world.

Yes, no matter how hard or difficult it was to accept this unalterable truth, it had to be done for me to be set on solid ground. A foundation from which those bouts of occasional weighty indecision or fear are relieved with a straightforward understanding of the authentic self.

In the event that you likewise want to choose authentic genuineness over endorsement of looped-in-responses, then maybe this will be helpful to you as well.

What you may come to realize is that alignment with your authentic self  means that it sets the rule and will be consistent with how encounter  your life if:

You concede you are evolving consciousness, and that is to say, you are awake and mindful of your actions taking place, no matter whether that movement or action you fully understand or not; or that a task you have taken on is what you had expected; or a task that you declined doing because you could not do it and have respect from your inner voice.  It is a type of mental fortitude.

You permit yourself to evolve and relinquish what you've outgrown.

This is likely the hardest focus for being awake or mindful that there is since it's not just about being consistent with yourself; It is perceiving when something has run its course and is no longer of value to sufficiently move you to what is coming next.

What’s coming next can feel vacant like a void or it can likewise feel light and exciting That vacant space isn't generally something awful,  it’s just different, and consciously going with it proves favorable as a place for additional opportunities—for satisfaction, fervor, enthusiasm, and happiness.

 Consciously going with it, tweaking it, and adjusting it, you find yourself being keener on seeing how much more there is to you while experiencing your own personal breakthroughs. This is better than just moping about in an agreeable life that presently feels like somebody else's.

I’d be happy to find out what you discover.

-30-

Straight Men Having Sex With Each Other...is that a Question? By Calvin Harris H.W., M

Josef Thorak, 1937, Comrades

This blog is the by-product of increased media exposure on Sex Classifications, vs Gender Identification vs Sexual Orientation  and of course “Bromance”.  

Questions to me about “Bromance” began surfacing five years ago because of alleged stories that got out, tagging  me in alleged tryst with various straight men, over a 10-year span of time. I found myself in conversations and debates about the subject. That led to some readers  imploring… no, demanding… my thoughts and information on what I might know about ‘straight men’ sensuality, and sexuality.

I must admit, because of the nature of mens’ sensuality/sexuality, I have tried to steer clear of this conversation in blog forms. I felt a few lines on a page cannot give a comprehensive appraisal of the subject matter, nor the depth needed to establish legitimacy,  or to evaluate its potential for future generations, not even to give justice to its place in its historic past. Since the issue won’t rest and  with mounting pressure to speak on the subject, I will speak as  objectively as I can.

I begin by calling your attention to a Blog written for the prestigious - New York Magazine website called ‘The Cut ‘

The Cut is a blog site for hip readers who  proport to seek provocative takes on issues that matter from culture, politics, power, and relationships; I concede, that the Cut site also panders to the usual celebrity sightings and women’s  fashion trends.

In their AUG. 05, 2015 issue, under the heading of “Q&A” a blog title appeared -  “Why Straight Men Have Sex With Each Other”  which was written by Jesse Singal, as an excerpt  piece from a larger conversation between Singal and  Dr. Jane Ward. Jane Ward, an associate professor of women’s studies at the University of California, Riverside,  had authored the book “Not Gay : Sex Between Straight White Men”.  Dr. Ward, in her book claimed that beyond: “the fraternity and military hazing rituals, where new recruits are made to grab each other's penises and stick fingers up their fellow members' anuses;  there are online personal ads, where straight men seek other straight men to masturbate with; and, last but not least, the long and clandestine history of straight men frequenting public restrooms for sexual encounters with other men.” Jane Ward, suggests these sexual practices reveal a unique social space where straight white men can--and do--have sex with other straight white men; in fact, she argues, to do so reaffirms rather than challenges their gender and racial identity.

The Book and a term “bromance”, these past 20 years, kept popping up in song, seen on television, and at the movies,  it was even spotlighted in a 2007 high school’s humorously, awkward friendship movie, staring  Jonah Hill titled Superbad.

I believe bromances are not new, I find it was  more common and fluid before 1950 and before the introduction of twin beds, but that is a blog for another time. Bromances were especially prevalent during the war years  (WW1 and WW2) and was not considered homosexual at all, that is because there is a difference between sensuality and sexuality; between a manly embrace,  wanking off together, versus some  type of orifice penetration. Bromance contains more of an element of sensuality rather than sexuality.

I find that the majority of men identifying as straight cisgender males(straight) are those men that feel romantic desires towards women, but Cisgender relates specifically to gender rather than sexuality. A person can be considered cisgender (often abbreviated to just cis -straight) and can still be open to any sort of sexual couplings.

Cisgender males with the moniker of straight are usually connected to a  hetero-centric community which is the way they understand their masculinity. Thus the advantage of a  ‘Straight’ identification, in that community, for by its very nature it insures the man’s sexual identity will avoid discrimination. and if the off chance of  sex with another man occurred, it is treated as irrelevant to their identities. Thus bromances can occur without consequence.

Since 1950’s more and more of what would have been considered straight sensuality between men has fallen into the category of homosexual activity, creating a clear male from female gender divide in behaviors tolerated in the Western man and  Western woman in the U. S. Culture. The gauntlet had been laid down after WWII dealing with the divide between how Women and how Men after the war would define their sexual roles and mores in American life. Therefore, what would be tolerated culturally and who could dapple with their own sex had been restricted.  Under these Cultural constraints, a man’s sexual choice was conscripted to a fixed  monogamous, heterosexual, head of the household model.

Jane Ward references in her book, that “when heterosexual women make out with one another at a bar or party, it’s generally understood that they’re simply playing around for attention, or exploring the fluid space that is female sexuality.”  Versus  “when heterosexual men hook up with each other  it was seen as an act of desperation.”( due to lack of  access to female companions.)

When straight women hook up with other straight women, no real explanation is required; when straight men hook up with other straight men, it’s a different story.

The divide stems from a notion of female sexuality being more malleable, thus more inherently open to experimentation and variety, than the males.

In Ward’s book “Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men”,  she makes the case that this is a flawed understanding. Male sexuality sometimes labeled “homosexual contact” has been a regular feature of heterosexual life ever since the concepts of homo- and heterosexuality were first created —  She states “not just in prisons and frat houses and the military, but in biker gangs and even conservative suburban neighborhoods. Given how prevalent this behavior is in so many different sorts of settings, Ward suggest it’s time to stop explaining it away — and argues that society’s conception of male heterosexuality is an unrealistic, expedient one.”

Edward Casey. 1939, Stevedores Bathing Under The Brooklyn Bridge

I can remember as a youth, that if a man could reach the rank of being called a “Man’s Man”, there seemed to be permission for him to explore and break boundaries  and be looked up to for it.  It is with that attitude of manhood  that I suspect  Ward’s assumption that sex between straight white men allows them to leverage whiteness and masculinity to authenticate their heterosexuality in the context of sex with men. By understanding their same-sex sexual practice as meaningless, accidental, or even necessary, straight white men can perform homosexual contact in heterosexual ways.

These acts of sexuality  are not slippages into a gay way of being; no, they are more like a sensual expression of a desired but unarticulated identity for balance. We all contain  male and female attributes,  Ward argues, they reveal “the fluidity and complexity that characterizes all human sexual desire. In the end, Ward's analysis offers a new way to think about heterosexuality--not as the opposite or absence of homosexuality”.  I call it, its own unique mode of engaging in androgynous sensuality, a mode of behavior that Ward would say would be “characterized by pretense, dis-identification and racial and heterosexual privilege.”  In this new era of heterosexuality complexities in the modern era prevail.

There is new and on-going sexological and psychological research being done like Jane Ward’s.  This research suggests that men’s sexuality within long-held belief systems of  the term ‘ heterosexual’ desire as having been strictly hardwired impulses to spread their seed and thus being relatively inflexible to anything else will prove false.

So what happens when sexological and psychological research evidence is all pulled together? What might we glean about straight men’s Sexuality/Sensuality?

Will it be that the fundamental difference between men’s and women’s ‘sensuality’ is not accurate. That by combing the facts on  20th-century American  heterosexual sensual/sexual behavior, we would find dabblings in male on male sensual/sexual behaviors by straight-identified, single and married men?  That there will be evidence that such homo-erotic overtones took place within biker gangs, fraternities, male-only social clubs and societies,  as well as male -for - male free and sex-for- pay (flash for cash) encounters would not recreate a sexual misidentification for them.

These scenarios play out in more or lesser degree in all sorts of different situations and cultural contexts,  Evidence will show that this occurs without having the excuse of men being without women or in prison.

Men in the act of genital sensuality with another male is not because they are building a gay sexual union with another man, nor do they want one. The  language in that act may mean something different for the participants, perhaps an act of courage, or a ritual like a rite of passage, a celebration, as seen from sailors crossing the equator for the first time or of college students in a fraternity. Physical sensuality can be a release having no connection with gender identification at all.  

I hear it a lot  “Oh Yeah Sure” or,  “Oh, come on, I think these are really gay men who are posing as straight men.”  

What am I to say to that? Of course, there’s no way for me to verify everyone, If they say they are straight then they are straight. What I know of male sexuality/sensuality  is that many  men do identify as straight in their lives and have engaged in these activities.

It is clear to me that there is needed a new language or way to talk about men’s needs to express themselves with other men, sensually and physically, that is accepting of a man  keeping their heterosexual identity intact, when that’s the logic that applies.

Everyone has the right of choice of their gender and their expression of sexuality/sensuality, and that includes you.

Texting Is Not Efficient

TEXTING May Not Be What it is Cracked Up To Be

By Calvin Harris H.W., M.

I know what an odd subject for me to be writing on, since I am a person that does not like to text, nor normally use that form of communication when there is any way around it.

How I have come to write a blog on the subject is because of the numerous comments directed towards me regarding texting, and then one of you, my dear readers, has requested me to write something on the subject.

I accept the challenge.

Let me start by pointing out the obvious.

Texting makes it hard to distinguish the tone of the conversation, making all communication much less formal and can even make genuine statements seem insincere. Also, Texting, by its very nature, encourages—poor grammar habits, (As If mine aren’t bad enough).

Here are some of the problems with texting:

1.  Because I enjoy face to face conversations,  texting as well as other forms of written  messaging cannot accurately convey oral speech tone, emotion, eye contact, facial expressions, or body language. That means without them, a message is more likely to be misinterpreted or misunderstood. The real meaning of your message can be lost through the medium.

2.  Humans, I feel, are simply not wired for constant digital communication. Texting is having a negative effect on interpersonal development among young people. When people communicate primarily via text, they're much less likely to have meaningful spoken conversations.

3.  Students who text regularly, using adaptations of words such as "u" for "you" and "r" for "are", tend to have trouble with grammar and spelling.

4.  Text speak encourages greater misuse of words/symbols denoting the same sound or group of sounds as standard words(homophones), they are seen as abbreviations, such as "gr8" for "great" or "h8" for "hate," or, they negatively impact correct word use, such as  not being able to tell "there" from "their."

5.  All too often, relationships go sour due to miscommunication via text as well as through email messages. To keep this from happening, simply avoid using these mediums and rather have important conversations through a more preferred communication medium, such as face-to-face conversations or over the phone.

6.  Texting and using abbreviations for words means that we are avoiding the traditional face-to-face conversations that are vital in forming deep personal relationships and better business practices.

7.  More than two-thirds of users never experience an hour of uninterrupted concentration to their day or workflow. If a text stream begins, interruptions can happen as often as every 6 minutes.

8.  For business users, average time spent in text volleys can easily reach 150 or more text messages per day.

Being a bit older than 20-something, and being a busy person with personal life and business matters to attend to, I find that many texts that I have received make no sense to me, or even may have been designed for someone else; thus, what appears in the box are mistakes. The Message may have been hurriedly written or the “send to” button hurriedly selected while the sender was on the go.

You do not have to Admit it to me but maybe you, yourself, are guilty of distractedly dashing off the occasional friend’s text message—or, worse a worktext—that didn’t make sense to the receiver. Maybe it was because of habit, or you were in a rush, or you were busy or thinking about something else.

  Text with the speed at which they can be sent can end up in interesting places and unintended hands if attention is not paid to your intended receiver address.

In hindsight, it’s a little awkward that you sent a text to your boss saying, “Did 50 squats Pizza tonight and hang- ten emoji” while sending your partner or best friend the text: “Chart shows we need to level-up our expectations.” And yes, this scenario can get a tad more stressful when your boss misinterpreted your well-intended “hang loose” emoji to mean for him to “call you.”

This most often happens when you’re texting on the go, via a mobile device, and you are short on time and you want to economize on the number of words used. This can lead to all manner of communication gaffes and embarrassing blunders, as well as much time wasted in back–and–forth text exchanges.

Mercifully, I offer these suggestions to help you avoid some of these most common blunders.

Keep your text short—but not too short!

I know speed requires your messages to be short and to the point. Yes, it’s a good thing to be direct and on point. Yet Be Wary of making this behavior a habit, for often this leads your writing to become curt, choppy messages that have you coming off with tones of being brusque, aloof, or insensitive.

In your business, and sometimes personal texting, consider that brevity and abbreviation can be over - the - top. For example, to use “HIC” when you mean “here I come” (as in “you’re on your way”), but then your audience text back to you, asking for clarification about your hiccups. Then an additional text of explanation is needed, and you have saved yourself no time at all.

Before starting a text, I suggest taking a breath, and trying to formulate answers to these questions; where, what,  why, when, and who questions, which allows you to see how you’re likely to come across in your text before you hit send.

The Who question is important because it means you are double-checking the “to” field, especially when using your phone. For important texts, you might even consider waiting to fill in an address until you’re satisfied with the draft, just to make certain it won’t go out prematurely.

Take a breath to remember your audience.

Many of us, though, struggle to shift gears as we toggle back and forth between professional correspondences and with friends’ banter, wise-cracks, and jest. Be mindful too of workplace jargon and slang that would not belong in an important  text. You probably want to avoid telling the boss that your  best client is “dope.”

Mind your tone -

Your Text messages should  convey a lot more than only their words, so it’s critical to strike the right tone. You want to sound confident but not forceful with your boss; and reassuring with a client whose package is overdue. You want to sound appreciative and admiring of the life coach who helped you earn the 10k bonus but appreciative, while not too effusive, toward Mark in accounting who compiled your tax forms.

In the final analysis, I believe we want clarity in our communication. We need to develop clear processes–not fast haphazard messaging–as a way to define how tasks are identified, assigned, and reviewed. I think a new way to process communication is needed. With thought and practice, I believe something new will come along  that will help you put down the phone and other devices. That will help you worry less about overly casual texts as an answer to your colleague’s questions while you are out walking the dog; or being too formal in addressing a new love interest for a date, while you are rushing off a text, just before a business board meeting is to begin.

A way to detach you from text devices as a body appendage must be found, and that will allow you to be a conscious participant in a more fully formed life.

By all means, start to create a habit of  putting the devices away for at least one hour a day, to allow you to winddown, reset, breathe. To have a place where your devices can stop asking “Are You A Robot?” Maybe you could even have a face-to-face conversation with someone.

Try it, you might like it!

Aloha

Calvin

Success: A Matter Of Perspective by Calvin Harris H.W., M

Success; A Matter Of Perspective

You are well on your way to going where you are going.  In the spirit of your journey, I invited you to smile, feel those face muscles lift, notice how a smile can make you feel good, maybe even happy. Somebody might even say they like your smile. This is because our emotions and the things we perceive happening around us are inter-connected. One will always affect the other.

You smile because you are happy, and you can turn that around and say You're happy because you smile.

If it's true for your smile, it's also true for other aspects of your life.

People can feel successful and that can be because of many reasons. The point is they feel successful, and not only when they achieve success.

To put it another way -

People’s success is achieved BECAUSE they feel successful. Because they can feel it, in their gut, that is how their life will be. They refuse to entertain any other possibility.

'Success', of course can mean whatever you define it to mean. It could be defined as your career or business, it could be defined as in your relationship, or your health and fitness, it could be defined as your hobby or sport, you get to choose.

Just know as you wake up each morning to put a smile on your face KNOWING that visceral feeling that you are successful. Be grateful for what is in your life and also that unpredictable good that is just around the corner for you. BE now, in your grand vision.

Your Life Coach

Calvin

Ideas to Move You Forward by Calvin Harris H. W., M.

Aloha and Welcome to Site of Contact

Life Is About Choices; I am pleased that some of you have chosen To read my blogs these past five years in your conscious choosing to live your best life possible. 

Our very existence is based on a choice, a choice typically made by our parents at a time called conception. Consequently, the lives we lead now are based on what we choose and when we choose it. Who you are today, is based on your choices about yesterday. Who you become tomorrow, is based on your choices made today.

I am humbled if these five years of blogging have brought to you articles that allowed you to consider and enact powerful Ideas. Articles for some of you, (from what your emails tell me) had arrived, just at the right time, and that you were able to consider or even alter the direction of your life.

Timing is everything, this goes for ideas also, there are those ideas that operate in the background, acting as assumptions. Assumptions that have influences on your decisions, the conundrum is whether they are true or false, useable, or incapable of having an intended outcome.

I think we can all look back, to a number of ideas that shaped the movements of our lives. Some are seen in retrospect. Others took a great amount of time and pain to learn.

I would like to share some of the ideas that have impacted my life journey.

1.   Reality is pliable. It is more than three dimensional, which means it can stretch or bend back on itself, or turn, bow, or twist. With knowledge of this and paying attention to your ideas and directing your actions, you can determine when and how slow or fast to enact your ideas or concepts and to be amazed at what you can accomplish.

2.   It is that combination of ideas and the effort to begin the Actions, that produces an outcome. Thinking up a new life for yourself or thinking about your authentic self,  does no good, without follow-through. Know that the vehicle for change is not ideas but the action that follows the idea.

3.   An important realization I try and keep in mind is that between 80 to 90 percent of our life actions are done unconsciously, they are automated. Essentially much of our actions are performed without conscious thought or reflection. Meaning we have patterns of how we do things that endlessly repeat, and in that repetition, so our lives are lived.

Therefore, to have change, it is going to take conscious activity to alter automation. 

Real change to happen takes more than a single exertion, but a continual awareness to rewrite our scripts.

The idea is that you commit yourself to a particular daily habit, doing it long enough to make the habit feel comfortable, yet short enough that you can commit to required efforts.

4.  I tend to forget this one, and have to remind myself, that ‘Progress tends to Slow at times, and at other times seems to Accelerate.’

Progress is nonlinear or in equal steps.   

Gravitational Field by Sam Farrand

Our efforts tend to be like dance steps, forward and some back. These movements are operated by two different forces: diminishing returns and compounding growth.

Diminishing returns happen when efforts are overextended. Such as when new joggers in a long-distance race hit their first mile of running, they find that it is their most energetic, but by the fifteenth, they are exhausted. As efforts become increasingly unproductive, a key realization is to know when enough is enough.

Compounded small steps propel you forward, then growth is occurring with each past improvement, helping to build the next step in further growth. What initially looks like a trickle will end in a stream.

The problem often is mustering up one’s patience for the process. Since efforts, in the beginning, will seem unrewarded, that is where many people often abandon their process before they can really start to receive the benefits.

Understanding what kind of growth process you’re facing, prepares you to make the progress or have success. There’s no way to rush this kind of a journey, especially since it has just as much to do with your mentality as it does your physicality. One has to commit to sticking it out for the long haul, the underinvestment in compound growth is the culprit in the abandonment of the process.

Diminishing Return is when we try and renew past accomplishments using the same approach, techniques, or systems that brought us to this point when a new approach, technique, or system is needed to take us further or make the next step towards our goal or success. Many people find themselves overinvested in diminishing returns, trying to renew past accomplishments

Understanding the highs and lows of your growth cycles prepares you for progress. In general, we underinvest in compound growth because it looks like a waste of time. We overinvest in diminishing returns when trying to renew past accomplishments.

Personal Growth and Journaling

By Calvin Harris, H.W., M.

The beginning of the year is often a time for stark naked reflection and goal setting for many of us.

What is important to most of us in life is some kind of ongoing Personal Development and self-upgrading. The reason is we feel a disconnect with our naked truth, who we are deep down, our authentic self, and with what is currently passing as our everyday existence. If that feels familiar, as though you are not moving or are out of balance or in conflict, I may have some suggestions.    

I am a long-time student of personal development and if you are ready to try a simply reconnect of the authentic self with everyday existence, there are a few tools to move you in the right direction.

Now I don't pretend to be an expert in this, I'm a student just like yourself, only maybe by being at it a little longer than you, (over the past 50 years), I can share an insight.

 Like yourself, I've set goals, tasks, and projects for myself, I’ve achieved some and failed at others, and from these experiences, I think I can suggest something helpful.

What I have come to understand is that at the root of this disconnect, is one’s life choices or how one chooses to bring about those choices, which may not be in-sink with their authentic self and so, is not running smoothly; then life can seem out of control. 

For me, the use of my Personal Journal has helped me move more easily into my personal growth and success. This tool has been invaluable and here is why.

Reason 1. It allows me to get in touch with, understand, and value my core values that are deep within.

Reason 2. It has helped propel me forward into actions that align more closely with my ideal life.

Reason 3. It helps to keep me being that person that lives in the NOW.

With the help of my journal, I am able to pin-point where I can make small action changes that lead to big results. 

James Clear called them Micro-habits or Atomic Habits. James Clear says:

“Changes that seem small and unimportant at first will compound into remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them for years.”

— from his book, Atomic Habits.

My journal acts as a framework for what Clear calls a needed system for change. He says “You need to build habits and you have to stick around long enough to let them do their magic…”

Some of the magic for me has come down to

1.  Know the trees and see the forest.

I have found through engaging in my journal, that I can slow down and view the forest rather than just a tree.  

This can allow the opportunity for me to delay in my reactions, where I can think a situation over more and get clarity before acting, giving me an edge in my decision making.

It is what allows me to know what does and does not need a response quickly. It is empowering to learn to say “I’ll let you know later”, or “Let me get back to you on this.”

Rather than saying yes to a project, offer, or opportunity only to realize later that it is not a match for your schedule, or worse, not a match to your authentic self. Then it is better to take the time and think it through in the light of your goals, direction. and time frame.

You will save yourself a great amount of time and disappointment in the long run.

2.   You may need to give yourself a persistent nudge to Complete a Task When You Don’t Feel Like It.

Every day, if you look, there are small tasks that you don’t want to do; your journal may reveal them to you or even help nudge you to go ahead and complete them. From washing the dishes, or making your bed, or even going for that jog.

Your journal may help you realize after a few days of completing tasks, that the task itself was not the problem. It’s your habit of postponing things. But often, once you make the step to get it done, you get yourself in the mood and get the job done.

Once you feel comfortable about completing small tasks, make the jump to bigger ones.

3.   Spend a Day Away From Social Media

There are people whose phones could literally be an extension of their hand in the motions of texting and just scrolling on social media. I too can find myself, without realizing it, just scrolling on Facebook for 30 minutes; And I’m not even big on social media platforms. I have around 350 followers on Facebook, whom I spam with quotes or pictures of my activities or travels.

I am not suggesting you give up Texting or social media, nor should you want to, for social media is a great way to find out about local events, and a great source for inspiration or connection on a variety of platforms. All of these platforms have their purpose and usefulness. To bring them in conjunction with your journaling, you can have an indicator of when that use has become abuse and you can consciously choose to spend less time online, every day.

4.  Question: What to write in a Journal?  Answer: “What you think you will remember!”

“No, I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it” is the historic lie we all tell ourselves.  So many concepts, ideas, and solutions we come across during each day, and yet at the end of the day you’ve forgotten more than half of it.

So make a habit of writing everything down, even the silly stuff that seems unimportant. Somehow, someway, it will fit in the grand scheme of things.

Final Thoughts

5.  Build to your goals, one small habit at a time.

The main reason why people don’t reach their aspirations, dreams, plans, or goals is that they want to make drastic changes instead of building small, everyday habits. To do so, you only need to follow these two simple rules:

1. Drop a Bad One

Make a list of all the bad habits you have and want to get rid of. Instead of going on a war against yourself, trying to get rid of all of them at the same time, pick only one and focus on that. Take baby steps. Smoke one less cigarette. Buy one less unnecessary item every week. Stop eating one thing out of a few you want to give up.

Let us then think of a swap, after you’ve managed to give up a bad habit, start working on a new habit.

2. Add a Good One

The same goes for good changes you want to make. Don’t try to drink 2 liters of water every day if you only drank 1 glass before. Instead, try to drink 2 glasses per day and slowly increase. Add one more vegetable to your plate. Run one more minute on the treadmill. Read one more page every night.

Choose something you’re struggling with, and slowly increase the time you spend building that good habit. When you feel like it became a habit, start working on the next one.

As James Clear said in Atomic Habits:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

Journaling can ensure that your systems, which are the routines and activities you interact with every day; that these well-established habit systems are in sync with your authentic self and you are consciously choosing to interact with them.

Your journal is the place for you to show up authentically without fear of judgment but ready to take action to strip away the old mindsets and habits holding you back and preventing you from expressing your true self.  Here is the place to show up whole-heartedly, ready to be YOU.