This article is inspired by the thought of New Year’s Resolutions and a blog heading I saw that read - “A Gentlemen’s Guide to Being a Man in the 21st Century.”
New Year’s Resolution? A Gentlemen’s Guide?? Some would say two dubious concepts at best, did you know that only 8% of people who make New Year's resolutions actually succeed in achieving them? Given the small percentage of resolutions accomplished within a year; and given the small percentage of men who are, or consider themselves Gentlemen, begs the question, is the term Gentleman even used anymore? I have heard men called bitches frequently, but seldom is a man considered a gentleman anymore, which is sad.
A Gentleman should not be separated as something different than a Masculine man; In past decades James Bond, 007, could have once, passed as a Gentleman. This change of attitude can be attributed to the bad rap Masculinity has been getting in the last decade, and thus to account for the separation and disappearance of Gentleman.
Oh, I’ve gotten ahead of myself, I started with New Year’s Resolution (NYR’s).
The reasons why many New Year’s Resolutions (NYR’s) fail come down to unconscious thinking of life as being broken down into segments and not as continuous living: it is not based on “a continuous life – using living goals as a strategy. In other words, It is not set-up in the person’s mind as something they are going to do for life, and thus to follow through on as a permanent life change outcome.
If understood and framed as a “Life change goal’ with defined small steps within a long-term process, not a short-term or once-a-year shot. Then that mindset shift changes from making New Year’s resolutions to creating lasting change throughout your life and will allow for unexpected accomplishments rather than the limited possibilities of a new year’s resolution.
Now as to this idea of Gentleman in the 21st Century, nobody really knows what that is going to look like. So let us address the elephant in the middle of the room, Masculinity in the 21st Century, yes, that is the hot topic at the turn of the 21st Century, and yes like New Year’s Resolutions, it is a decision every man will need to make as to how he will live his Masculinity.
Masculinity, like New Year’s Resolutions, If understood properly, has to be framed as a “Life change goal’ It has to be understood as a long-term process, not a short-term, once-a-year resolution. Masculinity is active, evolving, and changing, and for you to achieve your vision of it, on a personal level, will take small conscious steps to accomplish, and these will not be without challenges, culturally or otherwise.
“The superior man is he who develops, in harmonious proportions, his moral, intellectual and physical nature. This should be the end at which men of all classes should aim, and it is this only which constitutes real greatness.” - Douglas Jerrold.
It seems as males, we are plagued by the shifting cultural demands made by societies on Masculinity, and what is worse, we then have to hear the laments of societies, as to was it enough? too much? or too little? Know that these questions and scenarios have stumped many of my fellow males and at one time myself as to how to behave, what actions to perform, and decisions to make.
The answers to those questions can be vast, confusing, and lead you into some murky depths, depending on how and/or who you learned to be masculine from. Which is a very different question than what is my identity as a Masculine Male?
The problem — and even more so today — is that the responses wanted or required by culture/society diverges from the previous set of standards of behaviors, some of those standard set as far back as the 1950s. That divergence of masculinity has been widening ever since. These changes go beyond being taught car maintenance, or love of football, or how and when to fight, or even how to tie a necktie? I wonder, will these even be issues in the 21st and 22nd Centuries?
Thus, a question comes up what or how were you taught to be a “masculine male,” and now you as an adult, who and what does that mean, look like, or acts like to you? For many males, those descriptors of the last century that described masculinity, are not the best fit, for how the masculine male wants to feel, be known as, or to operate from today.
It seems we are in unknown waters here, and the persons wanting to be identified as a person of the masculine gender and is looking for role models and masculine image figures, just might find only confusion based on societal norms offer, especially since these masculine roles are in transition.
We live an amalgamation, meaning; perceived character flaws and virtues of past decades of masculinity are sewn together like a patchwork quilt. This is good news for you because this amalgamation is up for evaluation and change.
Perhaps a better question here is what would you want to present to the world as your life and thus how would your life be lived?
Thus, this conversation probes and dig into a discussion about society and ourselves, as to expectations about what is masculinity? What does that look like in real-time? and Why does it matter?
We want to look at it because we want to identify ourselves rather than having media telling us who we are, through online discussions, oftentimes giving a skewed picture of Masculinity called “toxic masculinity” i.e. pointing to the failures, shortcomings, and flaws of living out today’ version of masculinity. The content of these discussions are recounted stories of mistreatment, or the scorn suffered at the hands of male lovers, friends, and family members, that when these stories are told, imply that “all” masculinity is “toxic masculinity.” We do not want to infer that the construct masculine is the portrayal, that all masculinity is toxic.
We do not want to confuse the word masculinity with its adjectives, or its’ modifiers… any of those words that follow masculine as being masculinity. What follows that word, only tries to explain a possible aspect of masculinity, not masculinity itself.
Let’s stop here for a moment and maybe reframe our subject matter. The actual issue, here is that no one has a clue as to what masculinity’s actual role will be. We’re able to point to traits, some considered at this time to be deplorable, and say they’re a form of “toxic masculinity,” yet by definition masculinity has to have its own set of characteristics.
Food for example — by definition — food isn’t toxic. It only becomes so, if it is spoiled, that is infected with bacteria which would render it spoiled.
If you know the concept food, and it purpose and function, then it does not become difficult to tell the difference between what’s nutritional support and what’s spoiled. If you did not know the concept food, then, every sort of food could be toxic.
Unfortunately, that seems to be the approach we have taken with the term masculinity. and — as stated — no one is talking about the defining traits or attributes of what masculinity is. We see it mostly in context revolving around topics like girls, cars, money, or gym workouts, which is rather silly.
Instead, we should be asking What traits which are timeless and not aged with societal whim and fancy can we use to describe masculinity.
Traits that can be used as a lens to look through for the timeless essence that represents masculinity, that we would want to emulate, masculinity at its best, and that with whom most would agree are the hallmarks of a good man or used to denote that phase “traits of a gentlemen.”
There is much to chew on with this article and to wrap your consciousness around. I would like for you to write out your definition of masculinity for yourself and how you want to out-picture it in your life, and how you would want to change or modify what that looks like?
I am not having you do this exercise from the standpoint of for good or bad but to understand that you are the ability to create, conceive and manifest in your world, because your real identity is wrapped up in the concept of conceiving words as much as the action of the word. that you are consciousness, the ability to think, plan, and execute ideas that will change you and your concept of the world.
Thus, as a male, you can choose how masculinity will be expressed in your world. If you identify as female how that masculinity will be perceived and accepted into your world. Hmm it seems we might be both if an action of stating and then conceiving an idea to come forth. Joking we are talking about states of consciousness, that may be under and back of all of this appearance But that is a discussion for another time.
It will be interesting what you come up with and the conclusion you come to about yourself. I would be interested in hearing about it
Aloha
Calvin.