‘Man Up’ - More About Change Rather Than More of the Same

By Calvin Harris

The Power of The Masculine Aspect

The masculine aspect of one’s nature gets a bad rap these days. This needs to be cleared up by those of us that have become enlightened on the subject of Gender Expression. You know that concept of one’s external expression of identified gender, through one’s attire, how they act and other factors, generally measured on the barometer scale between masculinity and femininity.

The fact is all humans, to a degree, exhibit mental and physical traits of both masculinity and femininity.

The phrase “Man Up'“ gets its power to become an insult when directed to people that are embodying it but are unsure of what the masculine end of the spectrum should be. They somehow believe Masculinity is an “achieved status” that needs to be continually proven.

Historically, “manhood” was achieved culturally by the 3-Ps ritual: provide, protect, and procreate, a ritual of going from puberty to adulthood which typically meant demonstrating a capacity to provide, protect, and procreate, or some combination thereof. It showed a delineation or shift in status from juvenile to adult. In looking at these words closely - ‘providing’, ‘protecting’, and ‘procreating’ - we can see that these words have a lot to do with the response of maintaining a family unit. 

In current day America and other post-industrial nations, these traits of providing, protecting, and procreating have also become a woman’s descriptor. We can see in homes today that the 3-Ps are a  shared responsibility of husband and wife, or partner and partner, and this masculine trait is more obvious in the female in the case of the single mother who is the sole supplier - providing, protecting and in some instances artificially procreating in the family.

Therefore, 3-Ps basic delineator as a masculine aspect of male adulthood is no longer the standard for masculinity and thus has been evolving within the last few decades.

Masculinity: It has become precarious, so much so that an insecure guy of the species feels he must have his masculinity proven, and if challenged this must be upheld with an immediate answer.

The Pieces of Masculinity

In order to prove - or defend - his masculinity, a guy needs to act in ways that will readily be recognized as masculine. But “readily recognized” behaviors are often enacted in archetypal stereotypes of masculinity, particularly aspects of masculinity such as violence (i.e., fighting), risk-taking (e.g., excessive alcohol consumption) and forms of hooking up and promiscuous sexuality (it does not matter the sexual orientation, just as long as he can hide his own feelings except for anger). Our guy holds conversations with friends that are sexist, misogynist, or homophobic, as long as these conversations serve his purpose of appearing masculine; these aspects of masculinity are sometimes labeled “hypermasculinity” or “hostile masculinity” on the gender scales.

Within the last few decades, Masculinity has taken on new definitions and rituals that are more positive and self-sustaining to the person and his community. Action words highlight leadership, decisiveness, intelligence, perseverance, and problem-solving. Measures assess these aspects of masculinity and encourage the revealing of authenticity within the Masculine dynamic.

“What it means to be a man varies with ethnicity, nationality, age, and generational cohorts, as we move through life stages.”

Cultural men’s groups within the U.S., have added to the conversation:  African American male groups have added to their definitions on masculine identity with such terms as responsibility and accountability, autonomy, respect, and spirituality as important components of masculinity. Latino-American men’s groups include concepts such as familismo (family), personalismo (personality), simpatia (cordiality), and respeto (respect). Similar themes, I am sure can be identified in other multinational studies, with participants identifying the primary components of masculinity as being a man of honor, being in control of one’s own life, having the respect of friends, having a good job and coping with problems on your own.

These are the new watchwords when you find yourself being asked to ‘Man Up.’ Yes, it is more about the change of perspective rather than more of the same.

Where to Go From Here

By utilizing an investigation of your own comfort level with your masculinity through your interactions with others, this should give you the ability to examine what these power dynamics mean to you. How comfortable you are with these new definitions is inherent in your words and actions. This is a way to educate yourself about the various potential meanings of masculinity, and for you to come up with an understanding of masculinity that embodies your authenticity. Give yourself the space for decisions to create beneficial social interactions and habits – so that they create an outcome that you can honor.

The Exceptionally Good Listeners

At Second Life - art by Jason Beamgarde

Focus on the person, not the problem

Calvin Harris, mentor, life coach and blogger - I help people through listening and questions to reach for meaningful personal growth.

As a mentor and life coach, I still struggle with one of the most important skills in any relationship - the ability to be a good listener.

It is no joke, the idea of being a good listener is vital, and yet, most of us are terrible at it. Like exercising regularly, or having a healthy diet, we all know it’s good for us, but we struggle all the same.

Thankfully, over the years, I have become a better listener through conscious awareness and a willingness to practice skills to improve. Here are some tips I want to pass along that you may find useful. It is important to determine why someone has come to you and then set your course of action. Surprisingly, it may be that someone thinks you are a good listener, and if that is the case, it becomes more  important to be that good listener.  Practice these steps and see how you can dramatically improve the quality of  your relationships.

1. Don’t be the problem solver - Focus on the person.

I, like a lot of people, are problem-solvers at heart. It’s in our DNA, that strong biological survival instinct that pushes us to identify and solve problems with the strong cultural bias to value individual achievement and analytical prowess, and it’s not surprising that I am constantly finding problems and trying desperately to solve them.

And it is this precise trait that is wrong when people seek you out, not as a mentor, not as a coach, but as a friend. This is when they simply want to be heard, understood, and feel connected, while problem-solving and advice-giving gets in the way.

I suggest focus on the person, and not on their problem, to be a better listener.  

Someone  comes to you and says I need to talk, they may be angry, scared, in low spirits, or otherwise upset; the last thing they want is to get unsolicited advice— making them feel like a burden or problem.

There is  a time and a place for giving advice, and the key to that is - when someone asks for it! Until then, hold off and focus on just being present.

2. The Art of open-ended questions

Asking questions is about getting answers. In asking the right question, the more useful the answer will be.  The Art form of listening is missed when the question asked is more succinct and brief, which means, most questions asked do not get to the core of the matter, but only encourage the other person to give short, closed in answers like Yes or No. How you ask questions matters, because in fact they are conversations.

Conversations are about more than information exchange. They’re about connection.

When a friend, spouse or family member is upset, and says “they just want to talk”, then the art of being a good listener isn’t primarily about extracting the facts of what made them upset or what their plan for moving on is. Instead, the goal is usually to be supportive, to empathize, to offer encouragement, and to help them to feel like you’ve got their back and that they’re not alone.

The key is open-ended questions to communicate that you’re interested and that you care about them. Closed questions communicate that you care about information.

• Instead of: Why are you upset? Try: How are you feeling?

• Instead of: Was work stressful again? Try: How was work?

• Instead of: Did your Boss criticize you?

Try: What happened in the conversation with your Boss?

When in doubt, here are a few generic open-ended questions that work well in almost any scenario:

·         How are you feeling right now?

·         Can you tell me more about that?

• What was that like for you?

• How did you feel about that?

• What was going through your mind?

Being a good listener is about the person sitting next to you, not information.

Light bulb moment for me: When I stopped beginning a question with Why and  started using What or How instead. I found Why questions  tended to make people feel like they were being questioned and/or judged whereas How and What felt more feeling based and unbiased.

3. Echoing back what you’re hearing

When I first began my training to become a mentor, I remember  having to do an exercise of reflective listening or echoing back, which is a communication strategy where you first  seek to understand a speaker's idea, then speak back the idea to the speaker, to confirm the idea has been understood correctly. My thinking at the time was that it was the hardest thing to do, and what was the point… Fast-forward  to now, and I think it may very well be one of the most valued tools I have.

Reflective listening means repeating back (often in your own words) what the person across from you has said. For example:

• Statement: I couldn’t believe Roger said that to me! In my head I was like “Who the hell do you think you are?” And then to make it worse, no one else even said anything in my defense! 

  Echo response: It sounds you were caught off guard.

• Statement: I was just so angry, upset and disappointed. I had a million things running through my mind and I just didn’t know where to start or how to move forward. 

  Echo response: It seems like you were really overwhelmed.

• Statement:  Are you listening to me? You’re always so caught up in your own stuff that you never really hear what I’m telling you. 

• Echo response: It sounds like you’re saying I don’t listen very well.

Now, when I first started doing this, it felt fake to me and almost condescending — I felt they must think me silly repeating back to them their feeling that they know perfectly well how they feel… why do that?

The answer - It is not about information, it’s about feeling understood and connected.

When we are echoing back what another person is telling us, it makes people feel listened to and heard. And when people feel genuinely heard, all sorts of positive change happens, no matter how bad the situation is.

4. Emotions are validated

Echoing back what someone says builds trust and confidence that you understand and acknowledge how someone feels emotionally, and that sends an even more powerful message that we understand them on a deep level and are with them.

A few examples using the same statements from above:

• Statement: I couldn’t believe Roger said that to me! In my head I was like “Who the hell do you think you are?” And then to make it worse, no one else even said anything in my defense! 

  Echo response: It sounds like you were really angry and disappointed in Roger and your coworkers.

• Statement: I was just so angry, upset and disappointed. I had a million things running through my mind and I just didn’t know where to start or how to move forward.

  Echo response: I can see how that’d make you feel really disappointed and angry.

• Statement: Are you listening to me? You’re always so caught up in your own stuff that you never really hear what I’m telling you.

  Echo response: Yeah, I can see why you’re pretty angry with me for not listening better.

Emotional validation can be the first steps to begin pure wizardry. Listening primes the pump, beginning  with the person across from us recognizing we’re upset and acknowledging the specifics of our distress. This is not in a problem-solving or intellectual  way; but in a plain, straightforward I-can-see-how-you-feel way.

From birth, we have been taught or trained not to be negative, and thus to see our own “negative” emotions as bad, something to be eliminated or fixed. This creates deep anxiety and guilt in all of us.

But by having these emotions validated by another person,  just by simply naming it and acknowledging that we understand it, we give someone an incredible gift: the right to feel whatever it is they feel without shame or fear. And then to go beyond that to even deeper understandings if they choose.

There isn’t a single relationship in your life — big or small — that won’t improve dramatically if you can get in the habit of validating other people’s emotions.

5. Validate your own emotions

Let’s step back for a second and realize that Nothing sabotages your ability to be a good listener faster than defensiveness.

Defensiveness  is what people do when they feel threatened

For example, your spouse makes a seemingly sarcastic comment about your new tie on the way out to a dinner party…You feel disrespected, disparaged, and hurt, all the while your anger is increasing, so you jab back with a comment about how he or she is always so negative and critical.

In response, your spouse feels attacked and angry, thus clams up, leading to a very awkward  and silently chilly dinner with friends or work associates.

We are wired within our psyche, like all animals, when feeling attacked, to either  want to fight back or run away — this could be physical, but more often, its mental.  This defensiveness could  initially be set off by fear, yet it can quickly morph into any other form of difficult emotions, like anger, resentment, guilt, shame, etc.

Your defense system, with all the heated emotion it can generate, is important if you’re literally under attack (like being chased by a tiger) but that system is pretty useless when you merely feel attacked.

In difficult conversations, we find arguments escalate to fights, this the result of someone getting defensive and ending up saying or doing something hurtful as a result of their defensiveness — at which point, the original issue is gone and it has moved on to past deeds of being slighted, wronged and resentments.

The best way to avoid defensiveness in a difficult situation, and so that you can continue to listen well even when you’re upset, is to practice validating your own emotions:

After a sarcastic comment from your spouse… Acknowledge the fear and anxiety you feel welling up in you about  the comment, and about your decision to bring up this topic. Say to yourself  your feelings are normal and okay but that you still get to decide how to act going forward.

 Another scenario could be at work, where your boss does an unfavorable critique on your job performance … Acknowledge to yourself that you’re angry and hurt. Remind yourself that’s it’s perfectly understandable that you feel that way. Consciously moving forward in the conversation with this knowledge keeps the conversation on point.

If you don’t validate your emotions, they’ll end up getting the best of you. And, it’s difficult to listen well when we’re consumed by painful emotion.

To Recap

Practice, Practice, Practice - training yourself to be a better listener will dramatically improve the quality of your relationships.

The following elements can be Grist for your Mill:

·       Stop giving advice.

·       Ask open-ended questions.

·       Reflect back what you’re hearing.

·       Validate their emotions.

·       Validate your own emotions.

In closing I am wishing you "Akahai," through your continual efforts in  healthy relationships.  The Hawaiian word "Akahai," meaning kindness, to be expressed with tenderness through  your good listening skill both for yourself and others.

Aloha

Calvin

The Focus Is Sustainability

Focus for Sustainable Success

Focus Your Energy for  Sustainability

by Calvin Harris H.W., M.

Well the holiday season is over and the New Year’s resolutions have been written. But before you put those plans into action I would like for you to consider the following information and then maybe review what you wrote,  you may find from this story some useful tips for your strategy to accomplished your resolutions.

 I was reminded in an article by James Clear,  a well know author,  and fellow life coach, that in 1996, Southwest Airlines was faced with a weighty decision.

It was in the 1980’s that Southwest Airlines  had strategically transformed itself  from being a small regional carrier to one with a more national presence.  Note that this was a  time that many airline companies were losing money or going belly-up.  Southwest as a result, was in demand, so much so that more than 100 cities were calling for Southwest to expand service to their location.

Southwest had a decision to make. It answer was to turned down over 95% of the offers and streamlined service to  just 4 new locations in 1996. A significant number of offers  were left on the table.

Their reasoning for turning down so much business is explained in Jim Collins  book Great by Choice,  he claims that a secrets to Southwest's success was its willingness, of company executives, to set what is called an upper bound limit for growth.

What Is Upper Bound Limits ?

Understanding ups and downs in a business is important, thus looking at Southwest beginning in the 1970’s, and for nearly 30 years thereafter,  Southwest was the only airline company that made consecutive profits each year.

Southwest grew It’s business incrementally each year, for the executives of the company choose  a pace of growth that they could sustain,  while maintaining the airlines culture and profitability. This is called a upper bound limit for growth.

This is an approach that has been applied to many goals, both business and otherwise. It tends to be used by most people but it is inverted, or starting from the opposite direction, or what can be called starting from a lower bound limited.  Example of how we hear it used or experienced is :

• An individual might say, “I want to lose at least 10 pounds this month.”

• A Businessperson might say, “I want to get at least 5 projects done and off my desk each day.”

• A writer might say, “I want to write at least 500 word each day.”

• The get-in-shape guy or gal, might say, “I want to be at the gym at least 3 times a week.”

The focus is only on the lower bound limits: the minimum threshold.  Yet that implied assumption is, “If you can do more than the minimum, go for it.” So what happens? We are going for it, all out, usually in a unsustainable manner that does not allow us to maintain our pace over time at the current rate or nor increase our levels over time.

Now, the obverse, which is turning that over, were we work from the upper bound limits of our goals and behaviors would look more like this:

• “I want to lose at least 10 pounds this month, but not more than 15.”

• “I want to have at least 5 projects done today, but not more than 10.”

• “I want to write at least 500 words today, but not more than 1,000.”

• “I want to be at the gym least 3 times a week, but not more than 5.”

What you are creating using the upper bound limits in your life planing, is what can seem like a magical zone of long-term growth: Where you are pushing enough to make progress, but not so much that it is unsustainable.

A Safety Margin for Growth

We can all agree, the lower limit is important, yet the upper limit can be critical.  The diagram provided by James Clear shows finding that zone that allow for  growth in a mid-range that is just slow enough to be  methodically sustain without burnout or injury to progress. Being too aggressive in pursuit of growth  could have you quickly hitting a plateau, damage or burnout.

Strategically adding a Margin for Growth to your resolutions will avoid going too fast and helping you stay on track to success within that margin of growth.

This is all about the power to succeed.  Your setting an upper limit allows you an easier way to sustain your progress. And the power to consciously observe your behavior and habits to move progress forward and to attain success of your real goals.

 The Take- Away

When you are ready,  look again at your resolutions,  check it to see if you have set bounds? Is there just a lower bound limit?  This year for a better chance of success, lets simply add - Upper bound limits - as a focus drive to your plan of action and then slowly increase your output.

Say you want to be the gym person and start working out. Most people would focus on the lower bound limit and say, “I have to start exercising for at least 30 minutes a day and go on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”

Instead, you could start with your upper bound limit and say, “I am not allowed to exercise for more than 5 minutes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

This may seem like an over the top example but by setting an incredibly easy upper limit, you are creating a habit,  a process of getting up and going to the gym. by building that sustaining behavior of consistently going to the gym then makes the next component easier to achieve.  Now once you’ve establish the routine over and over again, you can raise the time limit as much as needed for success.

You are achieving small progress every day, fly efforts, rather than doing as much as humanly possible in one day and then quitting. Our focus is sustainability, Consciously creating habits for success by doing things you can sustain.

To Optimize Your Purpose

To Optimize Your Purpose Is It Effective Or  Efficient?

Many times, when people seek me out it is because they are at some kind of a crossroads either in their career or life in generally. It is because of some decision they want to make about their Life purpose. This articles focuses on two key factors to making change.

At a recent cocktail party, the conversation got around to favorite Iconic Movie Stars. Audrey Hepburn was one of the names that came up. It’s strange how I latched on to what some of the “older” cocktail guests had to say about her story.

Young and fresh-faced Audrey rose to fame in the 1950s, in fact to become one of the most celebrated actresses of her time. In 1953, Audrey Hepburn became the first actress to win an Academy Award, a Golden Globe Award, and the British Academy of Film and Television Arts Awards for a single performance: in her leading role performance of Roman Holiday. a ‘romantic comedy’ leading role in the film.

Matter of fact, over half a century later, she remains one of only 15 people to earn an "EGOT" that is a person winning all four major entertainment awards: Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. This group is small, yet as diverse as John Gielgud, Whoopi Goldberg, Mel Brooks, Rita Moreno, Andrew Lloyd Weber, and John Legend, to name a few, all different, yet iconic – but excuse me, I digress.

By the 1960s, Audrey Hepburn averaged one new film per year and was on a trajectory to being a Hollywood Legend.

But then in 1967, at the height of her popularity she stopped her career as an Actress. Now I want you to image someone in this position, only 30 years of age and has put the brakes on a life course.

We find her making a life path change and a switch in careers, we see Audrey spending the next 25 years working for UNICEF, you know that branch of the United Nations that provides food and healthcare to children in war-torn countries. Her performances now are as a volunteer worker throughout Africa, South America, and Asia.

I think you are now wondering what this story has to do with our title Optimizing Your Purpose Efficiency or Effectiveness? Let’s put away Audrey’s story for the moment. Let me build a kind of framework  from which to make this all clear.

Efficient vs. Effective

Let’ start with you. We can all agree with the concept that You get one, lifetime on this plane of existence. How do you decide the best way to spend your time? Professional Productivity Expert’s will advise that you focus on being effective rather than being efficient.

What is the difference? Efficiency is about getting more things done. Effectiveness is about getting the right things done. Peter Drucker, an educator, management consultant, and author, whose writings contributed to the philosophical and practical foundations of the modern business corporation once encapsulated the differences in this quote, "There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all."

That makes plain the idea that making progress is about being productive on the right things. But how do you decide “the right things"? One widely used approach is the Pareto Principle, which is more commonly known as the 80/20 Rule.

The 80/20 Rule was introduced by 20th century economic sociologist, Wilfried Fritz Pareto, (who I paraphrase,) stated “that, in any particular domain, a small number of things account for the majority of the results. For example, 80 percent of the land in Italy is owned by 20 percent of the people.” Or, 20% of drivers cause 80% of all traffic accidents. The point is that the majority of the results are driven by a minority of causes.

The Upside of the 80/20 Rule

When applied to your life and career, the 80/20 Rule helps focus you to separate the vital few from the trivial of the many.

In your own life, this strategy can be useful to find your time-wasting actives or to look at the sources of  some of your problems. You may find that the majority of your complaints come from a handful of problem situations. The 80/20 Rule would suggest that you can clear out your logjams or backlogging circumstance by identifying and stopping the engagements within them.

The 80/20 Rule is like a form of Martial arts that teaches self-defense, improves confidence and self-esteem for your life and work. By finding precisely the right area to apply action, you can get more results with less effort.

Like many things it is a double edge sword, there is a downside to this approach, which many times  is overlooked. To illustrate let’s return to Audrey Hepburn.

The Downside of the 80/20 Rule

It is 1967. Audrey Hepburn at the prime of her career finds herself trying to decide how to purposefully spend her time.

Hepburn's first career, acting on stage and screen. Her next career, acts of service and thus in December 1992, she’s awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her efforts, this is the highest civilian award granted by the United States.

If  the use of the 80/20 Rule  had been part of her decision-making process, her life may have been very different. Let’s say she followed her trajectory to stardom, what would she do,  the clear answer is: do more romantic comedies. They gave her large audiences, earned her awards, and was an obvious path to greater fame and fortune.

Setting that aside, scenario two, we would take into account her desire to help children through UNICEF, the 80/20 Rule could have pointed out that doing more romantic comedies was still the best option because of her maximized earning power and she could have donated more of her earnings to UNICEF.

Here comes the rub, that would have been all well and good if she wanted to continue acting. But she didn't want to continue her career life as an actress. This reveals the perceptual bias that many of us have but one which contradicts the reality of  the life lived.  

You see her perception of herself was that of one in service  to others, and no reasonable analysis of the 80/20 Rule would have in 1967  suggested that volunteering for UNICEF was the most effective use of her time.

This is the downside of the 80/20 Rule, when applied to the start of a new path, it will never look like the most effective option in the beginning.

Optimizing for Your Past or Your Future

James Clear, Life Coach and the author of Atomic Habits, which advocates “small changes that will transform your habits.” gives us this insight: “Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, worked on Wall Street and climbed the corporate ladder to become senior vice-president of a hedge fund before leaving it all in 1994 to start the company.

If Bezos had applied the 80/20 Rule in 1993 in an attempt to discover the most effective areas to focus on in his career, it is virtually impossible to imagine that founding an internet company would have been on the list. At that point in time, there is no doubt that the most effective path—whether measured by financial gain, social status, or otherwise—would have been the one where he continued his career in finance.

The 80/20 Rule is calculated and determined by your recent effectiveness. Whatever seems like the "highest value" use of your time in any given moment will be dependent on your previous skills and current opportunities.

The 80/20 Rule will help you find the useful things in your past and get more of them in the future. But if you don’t want your future to be more of your past, then you need a different approach.

The downside of being effective is that you often optimize for your past rather than for your future.”

Where to Go From Here

James Clear talks a lot about changing habits, creating better habits, making better decisions, equaling  living a  better life.  I agree with him on these points. He speaks of giving enough practice and enough time, so the thing that previously seemed ineffective can become very effective, and you get good at what you practice. I have found that to be true in my own life.

When Audrey Hepburn changed course in 1967, from acting to volunteering, this may not have seemed nearly as effective a career choice. But three decades later, she received the Presidential Medal of Freedom—a remarkable feat, a satisfaction she is unlikely to have accomplished by acting in more romantic comedies.

The process of learning a new skill or starting a new course or taking on a new adventure of any sort will often appear to be in the beginning, an ineffectual use of time compared to the other tools and abilities you already know when applying 80/20 Rule analysis The new project or endeavor will seem like a waste of time. But that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision only a change in the focus of perception, and the Conscious decision to optimize your Past or your Future.

FOOTNOTES

Did you enjoy that article? Here are two more things you might like:

• Online course: My Cultural History Course that speak to unconscious and conscious societal programs that dictate our actions and decisions.

• Prosperos Assembly 2020: That speak to you, your inner most being, community, about unconscious habits innovation, and motivation.

Tools for the Self Directed Life

Signs You Are Consciously Living

by Calvin Harris H. W., M.

 

Every moment of every day, we can strive to be vibrant, our best, and most loving to ourselves and others

Yes, we at Site of Contact want you to care about your success (whatever success may mean to you), we encourage your learning, your progress, your training (at whatever level is best for you) and we want you to realize the potential within you. BUT your success focus should not be to the extent that it sacrifices your sense of well-being, balance and happiness because compulsions are driving you.

 A sign of balance disruption is energy displacement. Stated differently, how the connection between muscular tension in the body causes bodily malfunction or non-functions. This can range from a simply feeling of out of sorts, to bad behavior, all the way to chronic illness. This somatic malfunction of the nervous systems is caused in part due to where conscious attention or lack of it is focused.

The nervous system is approximately 85% a visceral, non-thinking, non-conscious intelligence of our bodies. It regulates breathing for us or does digestion, or waste removal, (to name a few of its function). Yet to be complete, that is somatically whole in its effectiveness, we need to be consciously grounded. In computer terms, I am suggesting that our 3-dimensional Beingness runs as a hybrid data system of Body and Mind. The beauty of it is when the simplicity of physical functions running at its best are properly integrated with components of Conscious awareness.

Your internal and external data sources are more aligned as a hybrid operating system than you suspect. It enables seamless access, sharing and analysis of all types of perceived data, followed by combinations of action deployment based on memory tapes running and updating all the time. Its reliability is based on upgrades to its storage units. This hybrid combination allows for the storage unit to gain insights like understanding your reactions in social situations that may be random or different than what was experienced in the past and allows for alternative outcomes such as empathy followed by supportive social engagement rather than anger and rage.

This Hybrid integration of Somatic data management simply stated is your capability to engage with your world in a range of new situations that goes beyond your historic way of doing things, that yield to you new insights and vitality in life - you could call it a joy of living.

With that in mind, siteofcontact.net. suggest this simple philosophy: To create understanding in all of your relationships, start first with yourself.

A key tool to begin this process, is to keep a journal: It could be electronic or handwritten, that's your choice. What it should entail is data, call it your reflection upon issues, emotions, situations that will show you signs of where you concentrate your energy and that could signal for you areas where displacement energy is being put.

Additionally, journaling can help you discover the fun or humor in the strangest of circumstances, even in the mundane tasks you come across daily. So, if you are going to be driven, decide to be driven by your potential for awareness in control of habits and active choices that you choose to internalize

Your Journal can be a resource and a benefit when:

• You take time to reflect and review your activities, in such a way to allow your brain the chance to assemble and create order amidst what appears as chaos.

•   You can gain insights parlayed into new habits, learned from observations and your experiences.

• You can be less reactive, and more proactive in response that is more positive and self-confident though your discoveries and insights.

You could call this process of writing a type of “wet computer (brain) download”.

A suggestion, if this is a first-time journaling experience for you, then pick a time to do it when there are few if any distractions, and it is not a hectic nor stressful time of day. Some like to do it in the evening, when their reflections and insights seem to cleanse and empty their heads before bed. Others make time for reflection in the morning, as a way of cleaning their slate in preparation for a clearer sense of direction in their day.

As a bonus one builds a stronger relationship with oneself, without outside judgment or opinions to screen or hide one from their essential core. Some claim that improvements increase when one can find and practice gratitude for what they have discovered as a positive element or configuration in their life.

What I find helpful for beginners is for them not to try and use it as a grocery list of events that happened that day. But do journal on a regular basis. Look for what you consider to be relevant: situations that stand out, or are decisive, or momentous, or where you caught yourself in repetitious non-beneficial behaviors or thoughts; or where you are critical or pressing; notations of events having far-reaching effects, or that things have become urgent

You may find it helpful not to use journal pages that have preprinted calendar date pages: This eliminates you from pressures to have to write daily. Instead, you have the freedom and leisure to write when you choose. Like everything else it takes practice to create good habits. Journaling will take finding and instituting a new routine or habit for yourself that incorporates consistent times and place for journaling that gives you a sense of accomplishment and success.

The important thing is to have fun journaling and with what you discover about Living Consciously. Benefits may show up as:

More observing Less judging

More responding Less reaction

More clarity Less self -sabotage

More engaged Less restriction

More self-Love Less fear

More boundaries Less other’s chaos

More trust Less resentment

More inner peace Less dung

What changes is consciously not having the compulsions and reactions to people and things. Journaling becomes a means of reflection, rest, and recovery. When the progress made with journaling becomes knowing your essential self, that then enables supportive constructive social engagement with others.

Having an ongoing relationship with yourself creates an alignment with life. Remember life is about balance, being content, but never to stop growing, and learning. It's about fulfilling the need to add fun and discovery into each day along the way.

More advance techniques and practices are available through the Prosperos School of Ontology, email me Calvin at ialchemy1@gmail.com, for more details or if you have questions.

I close with a favorite quote from a character in the book ‘Auntie Mame’ by Patrick Dennis who says, "Live, Live, Live! Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" 

Aloha

Calvin

Self Care Making Time For You

Making an ally and friend of yourself unlocks a state of well-being.

If you have an ally, that is someone on your side. Ally comes from the Latin word alligare, meaning "to bind to," — an act of coming together, a protection of one.

Rene Böhmer Photo

Yet, as a Life Coach, I find there are those who rather than being an ally to themselves,  are instead their own worst enemy. Most of the time they are unconscious of doing it to themselves until they have come undone. Often it is unconscious, the shadow side of themselves and acting without knowledge of what one really wants to accomplish. I am reminded of the quote: “The most reliable friend you have is your shadow.” – Matshona Dhliwayo

It comes later, as a revelation to them, to discover that self-awareness must be a key component for well-being and therefore success. To have success is to have communication with yourself. In other words, you are always in a relationship with yourself, the question is what kind is it?  Not to sound weird, but this relationship with yourself should be arguably one of the most important relationships that you have.

This Self-relationship is a foundation for everything else. Having said that, this self-relationship is not to be confused with negative compulsions of narcissism, nor on the other hand with overwhelming blame and shame about ourselves, rather it should identify traits that focus our being in a good place, to organize our self so that things happen in effective ways that allow for good interpersonal skills, and as a byproduct, produces success according to the individual’s own definition of success.

In other words, for you to focus on yourself in such a way to produce crucial development for a healthy sense of self. It is about gaining knowledge and having an understanding of how you operate and liking what you see in that process.

This establishes a baseline for you from which to work that can extend beyond yourself to others in ways that are altruistic and advantageous to all.

 This is going to take being a good friend to yourself first, by  developing and sustaining your relationship with the self.

One way to start, is by checking out how you speak to yourself. Remember everything you say you hear as well. No matter if talking to a room full of people or by yourself. This would include not only the words you say out loud but also the words you think. Words have an emotional imprint. Check yourself to see if you tend to speak harshly to yourself (either in your spoken voice or in your thinking voice).

If you catch yourself negatively impacting yourself with your self-talk, find a way to stop and observe. Try and see the emotional atmosphere you find yourself in — is there anger or agitation, is your heart rate up, are the words criticizing? Take a breath, slow it down and consciously reappraise the situation, in an effort to be gentler with yourself before continuing with any more outward action.

reappraise the situation,  in an effort to be gentler with yourself before continuing with any more outward action.  

Some life coaching clients find it helpful to practice conversations out loud with themselves— under the right conditions, doing so can be very useful. By consciously  using  the thoughts you’ve assembled  you have the capacity to unearth feelings buried within the words  to make possible clear differences in your discourse of what is advantageous and that which does not promote or contribute to personal or social well-being.

.  

That said, know that it takes time to develop a new habit. It will require your desire and your motivation to build this skill.

Journaling is another good practice to capture, record reactions, and keep track of your progress with self-talk. It is a place to start getting to know more about you. Journaling as a habit becomes an invaluable way to acquaint oneself with and to change personal experiences for the better.

Journaling seems easier to accomplish if you will begin by setting small manageable goals, such as writing for just 15 minutes a day. Once in the routine, beginners will gain a new slant or perspective on their behaviors, while for seasoned chroniclers these insights provide motivation to continue.

You are in essence creating a new habit, one that by sticking to it keeps you conscious of and befriending yourself.

 In the beginning, as I mention, it may require some effort. Fortunately, if you keep at it and can eventually practice it daily, the process will become easier for you and eventually become an automatic part of your daily routine

Calvin’s Learning Circle’s

 More on Journaling in upcoming articles. For my readers asking for deeper work, may I suggest a small group or one on one session that can be arranged with me? In addition, The Prosperos School of Ontology offers two seminars that are extremely useful: Translation and Releasing the Hidden Splendor. The classes offer tools for reaching change, a change in consciousness, not a change in “things.” You can contact me at my email address for more information about these classes, small group activities, or one on one mentoring services by going to the Contact Page.

Let me conclude with these words:

 “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Thanks for reading

Calvin

Calvin On Learning

How One Student Grows For Self & Others

Calvin Harris H.W. M.  isn’t simply teaching classes. He is deeply invested in how to better embody its lessons.  He takes to heart these words: “What An Educator Does In Teaching  Is To Make It Possible For The Students to Become Themselves” - quote by the Brazilian educator and philosopher Paulo Reglus Neves Freire known for his work with adult illiterates and for promoting critical pedagogy, a theory, and practice of helping students achieve critical consciousness. Calvin’s learning of Critical Consciousness came from a different path, for as a young person his search for Truth and self-understanding lead him to the teaching and later apprenticeship from Master Teacher Thane Walker, in his School The Prosperos, founded 1956 in Florida and operated in California since the 1960’s

Calvin uncovered his calling or dharma in 1969, in the Prospers, and his ultimate goal is to be able to facilitate change. To help build and sustain a holistic community, organized in a way so one can experience more intensive programs of self-discovery and learning. Calvin says: “My students, I want them to uncover extraordinary experiences, perspectives that they would not be able to experience singularly. Training that is immersive, found in intimate group settings using handpicked subject matter with  unique perspectives, all with the goal of providing a sense of  drawing forth from within, and creating  transformative knowing within the student, in both mind and in spirit.”  

This speaks to his teaching trajectory, of offering practices and a way for the teachings to have embodiment. He says: “I love the idea of belonging to a strong community collectively working to become a more aware, insightful, sensuousness, conscious organization. I like to support creating leaders and role models that can extend our community with a positive message. Extending to others the challenge and joy of practices to know thyself.

I like the feel of working with others,  of when I am conversing, eating, drinking, exercising, just moving with conscious intention surrounded by others, all who are doing the work – then I am at home, living my dharma in the core of beingness.” 

A Focus On Living by Calvin

Empowering Yourself To Begin

 by Calvin Harris, H. W. M.

You’ve  come up with an idea or goal to put into action — whether it’s eating healthier or finding a perfect travel place or  starting a business — Now comes the question, how to begin?

In some cases, you can look to someone who is already doing it and then reenact their strategy which can prove useful. Learning from experience is a great way to gain confidence and accelerate your own learning curve. I benefit from such observations myself.

But it’s equally important to remember that these habits and systems, are strategies that successful people realized while on their journey to success, what tools they are using today is probably not the same ones they began with.

You might want to stay cognizant to their tools and optimal running practices,  they could be unworkable in getting your concept started because  there is a difference between  what is operational and what is a starting point.

.

Therefore,  just copying their style can erode your confidence in what you are doing if you are not conscious of your present starting situation and resources vs someone  using  a time tested ongoing successful strategy and their resources.

Not paying attention can often make you feel like you lack the required resources to even get started. Especially If you are only looking at their present optimal operation.  You can feel or even convince yourself that you need to buy more things, or learn new skills, or meet more people before you can even take the first step toward your goals, and dollars to donuts, that’s not true.

For examples.

You decide you want to do a  weekend bicycling road trip. You have the proper bike and gear, but you start to notice Johnny De Gearpacker and Mildred the Adventuress,  who have spent a fortune on gear: rainproof  tents, moisture-wicking clothes, special bike tires, and shoes.  Now I’m not saying gear is not important. Great gear can make your travels much easier on the road, but it’s not required. You don’t need new bike shoes to start riding. You don’t need new cooking pots to start eating healthy. And you don’t need a new mountain bike to start weekend travel trips. Those things might be optimal, but they are not needed in the beginning.

You can argue that it’s hard to travel light without the right bike gear, but the truth is you could make it work with what you have now.

When starting a business, and having caught the entrepreneurial spirit, one can become obsessed with having “the Best,” in office space and equipment. I came to find out that success could happen with a laptop, cellphone, and a corner of a table at a coffee shop. Yep, that is without great office space and staff.

Avoiding starts by demanding the Optimal, is what I have seen in many talented people, with their claiming to need to “learn more” or “get all of their ducks in a row”  before they start. This often becomes a crutch that can prevent you from moving forward on the stuff that actually matters.

Obsessing about the Optimal can be a clever way to prevent yourself from doing the hard work or gaining the habits necessary for your success.

If you are a regular reader to my blogs, you know, I’m all for optimizing and improvement. Your gains fill me with joy. Altered habits, no matter how small, leave me cheering. Increase levels of consistency make my heart race. But don’t let visions of the Ultimate prevent you from getting started in the first place.

A bad start can always be improved, but obsessing over the perfect outcome will never bring you anywhere near your goal on its own. If you want to be happy set about actions that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and moves you towards your goals.