Tools for the Self Directed Life

Things to Do to Move You Past Self-Doubt

by Calvin Harris H. W., M.

Photo by Scot Williams

In our August 2018 issue of SiteOfContact, we discussed the importance of ‘Mental Toughness’ as part of your Life - Skills Tool Box. We talked about such tools as imagination, grit, consistency, and re-tooling habits to move you towards your mastery in life, even in a transitional economy.

An issue we all deal with from time to time, is this post's focus: Not being able to Get Started, and or Indecision, and or Non-actions caused by Self- doubt.

Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, founder of logotherapy, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning suggest: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

I am reminded of a story my teacher, Thane, the Master Teacher of an Esoteric School (called The Prosperos) use to tell. 

Horse Photo by Angi Carelli

A blacksmith, a man that made and repaired horseshoes, was being squeezed out of business due to the invention called the Automobile.  Cars were replacing the horse, and the need for his craft was dwindling down to nothing.  He had to re-imagine himself,  he had to see himself, not in the ‘horseshoe’ business, but in fact, in the ‘Transportation’ business if he were to survive.  To understand this new business model,  would take for him to open up to new possibilities for his skills and craft in expanding his business options. 

Car Part by Jason Beamguard

A client I was coaching years ago in the auto repair business, complained that his competitors were getting more of the business in his area than he was and because of that, he may have to close his doors. His focus was so much on his competitors rather than on his business that he was unable to take actions, or to make the needed changes to keep the business solvent due to his indecision and self-doubt. That's when he came to me. In the course of our session, I asked him: Who is your biggest competitor? While he was thinking about it I held up a mirror and said, "there in the mirror."

I pointed out his biggest challenge was the thoughts that he allowed to run wild through his own mind, such as his competing with time running out and his preconceived ideas of how things should be. Once this was understood, a shift in his thinking took place, he relaxed. Then we began to brainstorm on how to lower his pricing, also bring his cost down and profits up. He focused in on the business, how that ran compared to others operating in that business. He came up with a plan, customers would bring in their own replacement parts, and he would perform the service and labor, but where he would differ from his competitors who offered similar service was that he would offer a customer satisfaction guarantee on work or service,  his competitors had no such warranty package.  

In that moment, he had gone from an embittered competitor, crestfallen in confidence and a failing balance sheet to a self-empowered master of his own fate.

John Herschel the famous mathematician, astronomer, and inventor is reported as saying: “Humans always have fear of an unknown situation – this is normal. The important thing is what we do about it. If fear is permitted to become a paralyzing thing that interferes with proper action, then it is harmful. The best antidote to fear is to know all we can about a situation.”

The moment you find yourself challenged in your head, stewing in doubt or overwhelmed  I suggest taking this actions:

Statue called Anguish

1. When you slip up, get help to get back on track as quickly as possible.

Ask someone you trust to listen and advise on how, if they were faced with a similar situation, would they get back on track. This can have benefits by offering you an objective perspective on the issue and help to get you out of your preconceived thought loops, and perhaps into a brainstorming mode.

2. Do an On-line inquiry into the problem. 

A search engine like Google can search Case Studies; Creative Marketing; Growth Strategy; or Success Stories. You may be surprised at how fast you find ideas that can help solve your challenges and erase the self-doubt.

3. Road-test the advice and data you receive. 

The world is your oyster —Once you've determined your real challenge and the new model for action, then use them to your advantage, getting out of your own head. Your task is to see yourself in a whole new way, creating a new narrative beginning with the idea of you as a Conscious Creator and Observer of your circumstance; you want to observe those concepts that seem to control, drive, and sometimes divert your life and then use it for an alchemy of change.

The beauty in the consciousness of these new components, these new models, is that they lead to a boost in imagination. and building our skills. These areas begin to strengthen each other, and  this new looping  model of intelligence becomes seamless. As this process grows and improves upon itself, it becomes easier for meaning and empowerment to manifest in our lives.

The Layers of Being William Floyd

 The Meaning of Life is to give Live Meaning.

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Living Your Priorities

Prioritizing Your Life And The Work You Do In IT.

Photo Artist Jason Beamguard Working Metal

I was recently approached by one of my Clients, who said to me “I don’t know what to do, all of my time is going into putting out fires and these urgent situations keep happening. It's leaving me exhausted and frustrated.”

It became clear that he had forgotten how to know the difference between what is necessary and what is expendable according to his life plan. Which is not hard to do, when our lives go on autopilot under the pressures of being expected to be available 24/7.

We all have priorities. For some Identifying them is the place to start. However, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Misdirected intentions, some disguised as urgent issues, can get in the way of what really matters to you, and in no time flat, you are wondering why you’re unfulfilled or sidetracked.

Melinda Kennedy, an organizational development consultant and trainer at Caliper, an employee assessment and talent development firm puts it this way. “Whether this is a product of our working environment, our own personality, or our home life, we may find ourselves struggling to prioritize what is most important and most urgent,” she says. “As a result, we feel overworked, undervalued, and completely exhausted.”  

To identify or re-acquaint yourself with your priorities, crave out some time to be alone with your thoughts.  Ask yourself if money was not an issue for you, you were in good health, and you did not need to work…What would you do to fulfill your dreams?

 From that list, if you can narrow it down to one or two items to accomplish, then compare those items with your daily activities, what of those daily activities are bring you in line with your planned goals? Here is one way you can know the difference between what is necessary and what is expendable.

Tim Elmore Book Marching Off the Map

Tim Elmore, author of Marching Off the Map and president of Growing Leaders, a nonprofit leadership training and development organization says. “Most leaders start well, but eventually just react to what others want,” he says. “We focus on getting through the week instead of planning ahead and reaching a goal.”  Knowing your priorities moves you from being reactive to proactive. A shift in Thinking, in Habits, enabling you  to Living Your Priorities.

Tools for the Self Directed Life

Developing Mental Toughness. 

Under my other voices heading I present to you an article,  brought to my attention by one of my clients on obtaining objectives and success through consistency. 

The article or blog was called "The Science of Developing Mental Toughness in Your Health, Work, and Life."  by blogger James Clear. whos work and be read on JamesClear.com
 

Have you ever wondered what makes someone a good athlete? Or a good leader? Or a good parent? Why do some people accomplish their goals while others fail?

What makes the difference?

Usually we answer these questions by talking about the talent of top performers. He must be the smartest scientist in the lab. She’s faster than everyone else on the team. He is a brilliant business strategist.

But I think we all know there is more to the story than that.

In fact, when you start looking into it, your talent and your intelligence don’t play nearly as big of a role as you might think. The research studies that I have found say that intelligence only accounts for 30% of your achievement — and that’s at the extreme upper end.

What makes a bigger impact than talent or intelligence? Mental toughness.

Research is starting to reveal that your mental toughness — or “grit” as they call it — plays a more important role than anything else for achieving your goals in health, business, and life. That’s good news because you can’t do much about the genes you were born with, but you can do a lot to develop mental toughness.

Why is mental toughness so important? And how can you develop more of it?

Let’s talk about that now.

Mental Toughness and The United States Military

Sun Run  Fort Bragg, N.C., Army photo by Sgt. Gin-Sophie De Bellotte

Each year, approximately 1,300 cadets join the entering class at the United States Military Academy, West Point. During their first summer on campus, cadets are required to complete a series of brutal tests. This summer initiation program is known internally as “Beast Barracks.”

In the words of researchers who have studied West Point cadets, “Beast Barracks is deliberately engineered to test the very limits of cadets’ physical, emotional, and mental capacities.”

You might imagine that the cadets who successfully complete Beast Barracks are bigger, stronger, or more intelligent than their peers. But Angela Duckworth, a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania, found something different when she began tracking the cadets.

Duckworth studies achievement, and more specifically, how your mental toughness, perseverance, and passion impact your ability to achieve goals. At West Point, she tracked a total of 2,441 cadets spread across two entering classes. She recorded their high school rank, SAT scores, Leadership Potential Score (which reflects participation in extracurricular activities), Physical Aptitude Exam (a standardized physical exercise evaluation), and Grit Scale (which measures perseverance and passion for long–term goals).

Here’s what she found out…

It wasn’t strength or smarts or leadership potential that accurately predicted whether or not a cadet would finish Beast Barracks. Instead, it was grit — the perseverance and passion to achieve long–term goals — that made the difference.

In fact, cadets who were one standard deviation higher on the Grit Scale were 60% more likely to finish Beast Barracks than their peers. It was mental toughness that predicted whether or not a cadet would be successful, not their talent, intelligence, or genetics.

When Is Mental Toughness Useful?

National Spelling Bee

Duckworth’s research has revealed the importance of mental toughness in a variety of fields.

In addition to the West Point study, she discovered that…

• Ivy League undergraduate students who had more grit also had higher GPAs than their peers — even though they had lower SAT scores and weren’t as “smart.”
• When comparing two people who are the same age but have different levels of education, grit (and not intelligence) more accurately predicts which one will be better educated.
• Competitors in the National Spelling Bee outperform their peers not because of IQ, but because of their grit and commitment to more consistent practice.

And it’s not just education where mental toughness and grit are useful. Duckworth and her colleagues heard similar stories when they started interviewing top performers in all fields…

Our hypothesis that grit is essential to high achievement evolved during interviews with professionals in investment banking, painting, journalism, academia, medicine, and law. Asked what quality distinguishes star performers in their respective fields, these individuals cited grit or a close synonym as often as talent. In fact, many were awed by the achievements of peers who did not at first seem as gifted as others but whose sustained commitment to their ambitions was exceptional. Likewise, many noted with surprise that prodigiously gifted peers did not end up in the upper echelons of their field.

—Angela Duckworth

You have probably seen evidence of this in your own experiences. Remember your friend who squandered their talent? How about that person on your team who squeezed the most out of their potential? Have you known someone who was set on accomplishing a goal, no matter how long it took?

You can read the whole research study here, but this is the bottom line:

In every area of life — from your education to your work to your health — it is your amount of grit, mental toughness, and perseverance that predicts your level of success more than any other factor we can find.

In other words, talent is overrated.

What Makes Someone Mentally Tough?

1936 Olympic workout of Jesse Owens and Frank Wykoff

It’s great to talk about mental toughness, grit, and perseverance … but what do those things actually look like in the real world?

In a word, toughness and grit equal consistency.

Mentally tough athletes are more consistent than others. They don’t miss workouts. They don’t miss assignments. They always have their teammates back.

Mentally tough leaders are more consistent than their peers. They have a clear goal that they work towards each day. They don’t let short–term profits, negative feedback, or hectic schedules prevent them from continuing the march towards their vision. They make a habit of building up the people around them — not just once, but over and over and over again.

Mentally tough artists, writers, and employees deliver on a more consistent basis than most. They work on a schedule, not just when they feel motivated. They approach their work like a pro, not an amateur. They do the most important thing first and don’t shirk responsibilities.

The good news is that grit and perseverance can become your defining traits, regardless of the talent you were born with. You can become more consistent. You can develop superhuman levels of mental toughness.

How?

In my experience, these 3 strategies work well in the real world…

1. Define what mental toughness means for you.

For the West Point army cadets being mentally tough meant finishing an entire summer of Beast Barracks.

For you, it might be…

• going one month without missing a workout
• going one week without eating processed or packaged food
• delivering your work ahead of schedule for two days in a row
• meditating every morning this week
• grinding out one extra rep on each set at the gym today
• calling one friend to catch up every Saturday this month
• spending one hour doing something creative every evening this week

Whatever it is, be clear about what you’re going after. Mental toughness is an abstract quality, but in the real world it’s tied to concrete actions. You can’t magically think your way to becoming mentally tough, you prove it to yourself by doing something in real life.

Which brings me to my second point…

2. Mental toughness is built through small physical wins.

You can’t become committed or consistent with a weak mind. How many workouts have you missed because your mind, not your body, told you you were tired? How many reps have you missed out on because your mind said, “Nine reps is enough. Don’t worry about the tenth.” Probably thousands for most people, including myself. And 99% are due to weakness of the mind, not the body.

—Drew Shamrock

So often we think that mental toughness is about how we respond to extreme situations. How did you perform in the championship game? Can you keep your life together while grieving the death of a family member? Did you bounce back after your business went bankrupt?

There’s no doubt that extreme situations test our courage, perseverance, and mental toughness … but what about everyday circumstances?

Mental toughness is like a muscle. It needs to be worked to grow and develop. If you haven’t pushed yourself in thousands of small ways, of course you’ll wilt when things get really difficult.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Choose to do the tenth rep when it would be easier to just do nine. Choose to create when it would be easier to consume. Choose to ask the extra question when it would be easier to accept. Prove to yourself — in a thousand tiny ways — that you have enough guts to get in the ring and do battle with life.

Mental toughness is built through small wins. It’s the individual choices that we make on a daily basis that build our “mental toughness muscle.” We all want mental strength, but you can’t think your way to it. It’s your physical actions that prove your mental fortitude.

3. Mental toughness is about your habits, not your motivation.

Photo Artist Jason Beamguard during  his Book Challenge 2018

Motivation is fickle. Willpower comes and goes.

Mental toughness isn’t about getting an incredible dose of inspiration or courage. It’s about building the daily habits that allow you to stick to a schedule and overcome challenges and distractions over and over and over again.

Mentally tough people don’t have to be more courageous, more talented, or more intelligent — just more consistent. Mentally tough people develop systems that help them focus on the important stuff regardless of how many obstacles life puts in front of them. It’s their habits that form the foundation of their mental beliefs and ultimately set them apart.

I’ve written about this many times before. Here are the basic steps for building a new habit and links to further information on doing each step.

1. Start by building your identity.
2. Focus on small behaviors, not life–changing transformations.
3. Develop a routine that gets you going regardless of how motivated you feel.
4. Stick to the schedule and forget about the results.
5. When you slip up, get back on track as quickly as possible.

Mental toughness comes down to your habits. It’s about doing the things you know you’re supposed to do on a more consistent basis. It’s about your dedication to daily practice and your ability to stick to a schedule.

How Have You Developed Mental Toughness?

Artist Juan Coronado photo of Actor/Model Jimmy Flint-Smith

Our mission as a community is clear: we are looking to live healthy lives and make a difference in the world.

To that end, I see it as my responsibility to equip you with the best information, ideas, and strategies for living healthier, becoming happier, and making a bigger impact with your life and work.

But no matter what strategies we discuss, no matter what goals we set our sights on, no matter what vision we have for ourselves and the people around us … none of it can become a reality without mental toughness, perseverance, and grit.

When things get tough for most people, they find something easier to work on. When things get difficult for mentally tough people, they find a way to stay on schedule.

There will always be extreme moments that require incredible bouts of courage, resiliency, and grit … but for 95% of the circumstances in life, toughness simply comes down to being more consistent than most people. 
 

Urge For Adventure August 2018

Re-mix of Georges Seurat painting " Summer in the Park"  collage artist unknown.

Hi there,
 It’s August and Summer is winding down, you need to be outside the casa, while the summer sun beams from high in the sky for longer days and warmer nights.

Do Not miss out on Participation in some great Summer Events. Here’s a list of some of the fun, wacky, or offbeat, holidays and themes for the month of August. Recognizing ‘theme’ days is a simple way to bring fun and interest into your Life. Some folks create habits, rituals and traditions to help strengthen their cultural lifestyle. If Nothing Else, it will give You some great Conversation Starters.
After Perusing the August Calendar. Check out Current or Pass Blogs pages by navigating the tabs at the top of each page.  The Blog designs are for You, find items that light up your Perspective, or as I was told by Terry “It’s the pictures, I go through the site to enjoy of the pictures.” Whatever the reason go for it.

This August, slowdown and ponder the words of Kent Nerburn when he said: “Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun.”
 

August Month Long Celebrations

Chris Asher in Flight

American Adventures Month

American Artists Appreciation Month

Black Business Month

Happiness Happens Month

Motor Sports Awareness Month

National Traffic Awareness Month

National Water Quality Month

National Win With Civility Month

Neurosurgery Outreach Month

What Will Be Your Legacy Month

August Multi-day Events 2018

Albert Einstein Teaching Physics Afro-American Class

International Mathematicians Week: Days 1-9

International Clown Week: Days 1-7

Simplify Your Life Week: Days 1-7

Gallop International Tribal Indian Powwow: Days 3-12

The Sturgis® Motorcycle Rally: Days 3-12

International Tree Climbing Days: Days 3-5

Gay Games (Worldwide Athletic  Games since 1982)

International Gay Games: Days 4-12 (The Athletic Sports gathering in Paris, based on the principles of Participation, Inclusion and Personal Best. A philosophy that goes beyond mere competition and promotes human values bove all.)

Assistance Dog Week: Days 5-11 

National Farmers' Market Week: Days 5-11 

National Fraud Awareness Week: Days 5-11

National Health Center Week: Days 5-11

National Bargain Hunting Week: Days 6-12

National Psychic Week: Days 6-10

National Scrabble Week: Days 9-13 

National Motorcycle Week: Days 12-18 

National Aviation Week: Days 15-21

Brotha K-Rahn advancing Minority development. 

Minority Enterprise Development Week: Days 18-24

National Chef's Appreciation Week: Days 19-25

National Safe at Home Week: Days 20-24

North American Organic Brewers Week: Days 23-26

International Be Kind To Humankind Days: Days 25-31

International World Water Week: Days 26-31  (Investing in freshwater ecosystems and biodiversity: A key development challenge)  

National Sweet Corn Weekend: Days Aug 30-9/3

Prosperos Event Westin Hotel Long Beach CA

Prosperos Assembly Weekend Days Aug 31-Sept 03 (Long Beach, Ca., A chance for change – “Companions at the Crossroads :
Building community in a world divided.”)

 

 

August 2018 Day Long Celebrations

Aug 1        Wed           Girlfriend's Day

 Aug 1       Wed          National Mountain Climbing Day

Aug 1        Wed          Home Made Pie Day

World Wide Web

Aug 1        Wed          World Wide Web Day

Aug 2        Thu            National Coloring Book Day

Aug 2        Thu            National Ice Cream Sandwich Day

Aug 2        Thu            National Dinosaurs Day

Aug 3        Fri              National Grab Some Nuts Day

Aug 3        Fri              International Beer Day

Aug 3        Fri              National Watermelon Day

Aug 4        Sat              Campfire Night/ Day

Aug 4        Sat             National Mustard Day

Aug 4        Sat             National Coast Guard Birthday

Aug 4        Sat             Single Working Women's Day

Aug 4        Sat             National White Wine Day

Aug 5        Sun            International Friendship Day

Aug 5        Sun            International Forgiveness Day

Aug 5        Sun            Psychic Day

Mark Wahlberg famous 1992 photo 

Aug 5        Sun            National Underwear Day

Aug 6        Mon           National Fresh Breath Day

Aug 6        Mon          National Gossip Day

Aug 6        Mon          National Root Beer Float Day

Aug 6        Mon           National Wiggle Your Toes Day

Aug 7        Tue            Beach Party Day

Aug 7        Tue            Lighthouse Day

Aug 7        Tue            Professional Speakers Day

Aug 7        Tue            Purple Heart Day

Aug 8        Wed          The Date to Create

Aug 8        Wed          International Cat Day

Dollar in Distress

Aug 8        Wed           National Dollar Day

Aug 8        Wed           Happiness Happens Day

Men of Mythic Bird

Aug 9        Thu            National Book Lovers Day

Aug 9        Thu            National Rice Pudding Day

Aug 9        Thu            Int’l Day of World’s Indigenous People’s

Aug. 10    Fri              National Kool-Aid Day

Aug. 10    Fri              National Spoil Your Dog Day

Aug 10     Fri              National Lazy Day

Aug. 10    Fri              Smithsonian Day

Aug 11     Sat              Annual Medical Checkup Day

Aug 11     Sat              National Garage Sale Day

Aug 11     Sat              National Bowling Day

You as the PC

Aug 12     Sun            IBM PC Day

Aug 12     Sun            International Youth Day 

Aug 12     Sun            Middle Child Day

Aug 12     Sun            Vinyl Record Day

Aug 13     Mon           International Left-Handers Day

Aug 13     Mon           National Filet Mignon Day

Aug 13     Mon          International Victory Day

Aug 14     Tue            National Creamsicle Day

Aug 14     Tue            National Financial Awareness Day

Aug 14     Tue            National Navajo Code Talkers Day

Aug 14     Tue            National Wine Day

Aug 15     Wed           Love of Cowboys & Cowgirls Day

Aug 15     Wed           National Examination of Failures Day

Aug 15     Wed           National Lemon Meringue Pie Day

Aug 15     Wed          National Relaxation Day

Aug 16     Thu            National Airborne Day

Aug 16     Thu            Rollercoaster Day              

Aug 16     Thu            Wave at Surveillance Day

Aug 17     Fri              Baby Boomers Recognition Day      

Aug 17     Fri              National Nonprofit Day  

Aug 17     Fri              National Men’s Grooming Day

Aug 17     Fri              National I Love My Feet Day

Aug 17     Fri              National Thrift Shop Day

Aug 18     Sat              World Honeybee Day      

Aug 18     Sat              International Geocaching Day

Aug 18     Sat              Mail Order Catalog Day

Aug 18     Sat              Serendipity Day

Aug 19     Sun            National Aviation Day

Aug 19     Sun            International Bow Day

Aug 19     Sun            National Hot & Spicy Food Day

Aug 19     Sun            World Humanitarian Day

Aug 19     Sun            World Photo Day

Aug 20     Mon          National Bacon Lover's Day    

Aug 20     Mon           Cupcake Day

Aug 20     Mon           National Lemonade Day

Aug 20     Mon           World Mosquito Day

Aug 20     Mon           National Radio Day

Aug 20     Mon          Virtual Worlds Day

Aug 21     Tue            Senior Citizens Day

Aug 21     Tue            World Poet’s Day

Aug 21     Tue            National Spumoni Day

teeth for cash

Aug 22     Wed          National Bao Day              

Aug 22     Wed          National Eat a Peach Day

Aug 22     Wed          National Tooth Fairy Day

Aug 22     Wed           Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

Aug 23     Thu            Day to Remember Slave Trade & Abolition     

Aug 23     Thu            Remembrance Victims of Nazism & Stalinism

Aug 23     Thu            National Ballooning Ride Like the Wind Day

Aug 23     Thu            Hug Your Sweetheart Day

Aug 24     Fri    Celebrating Can Opener Day

Aug 24     Fri    International Day Against Intolerance,                  Discrimination and Violence.

Aug 24     Fri    National Waffle Day

Aug 24     Fri    Shooting Star Day

Aug 24     Fri    Vesuvius Day

Aug 25     Sat    Kiss and Make up Day

Aug 25     Sat    National Banana Split Day

Aug 25     Sat    National Second-hand Wardrobe Day (recycle)

Aug 25     Sat    Speak Kind Words Saturday

Aug 25     Sat    National Whiskey Sour Day

Aug 26     Sun            National Go Topless Day (Burn the Bra)

Aug 26     Sun            National Dog Appreciation Day                         

Aug 26     Sun            National Toilet Paper Day

Aug 26     Sun            Sacrifice Our Wants for Other's Needs

Aug 26     Sun            Women's Equality Day

Aug 27     Mon          National Banana Lovers Day

Aug 27     Mon           National Just Because Day

Aug 27     Mon           National Kiss Me Day

Aug 27     Mon          Motorist Consideration Monday

Aug 27     Mon          International Tarzan Day (101yrs)

Aug 28     Tue            National Bow Tie Day

Aug 28     Tue            International Read Comics in Public Day

Aug 28     Tue            Day to remember “I Have A Dream Speech”  

Aug 28     Tue            National Radio Commercial Day

Aug 28     Tue            National Red Wine Day

Aug 28     Tue            National Cherry Turnovers Day

Aug 28     Tue            National Touch-A-Heart Tuesday - (Be An ENCOURAGER rather than a DISCOURAGER)

Aug 29     Wed           National Chop Suey Day

Aug 29     Wed           More Herbs, Less Salt Day                

Aug 29     Wed          National Lemon Juice Day

Aug 29     Wed           National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day

Aug 29     Wed          National   Individual Rights Day

Aug 30     Thu            National Beach Day

Aug 30     Thu            International Cabernet Sauvignon Day

Aug 30     Thu            International Frankenstein Day

Aug 30     Thu            National Grief Awareness Day

Aug 30     Thu            National Holistic Pet Day

Aug 31     Fri    National Diatomaceous Earth Day (lungs of the earth)

Aug 31     Fri    National Matchmaker Day      

Aug 31     Fri    National Memoirs Day (to connect admirers, readers, and authors of memoirs)

Prosperos students engaged

Aug 31     Fri    Opening day of the Prosperos Assembly Event       

Aug 31     Fri       National Eat Outside Day

Email me, and let me know, any new experiences you’ve had by engaging in any of the above-mentioned events

Until next month

Calvin

Tools for the Self Directed Life

Activating Your Mission, Meaning, and Mastery

by Calvin Harris H.W., M

I suspect the College education model as practiced today, as the best means to secure wealth and fame, is fading as a goal for many young people. Even the famed ‘SAT’, or other IQ Tests used as barometers of intellectual superior advantage and the indicator that one is on the fast track of wealth and success, may not be holding up factually as better living.

A Wall Street Journal correspondent and author of the bestselling book “When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing.”- Dan H. Pink has been quoted when asked of what portion of our career success does IQ account for? His answer: “between 4 and 10 percent.” Which has been backed up by Researcher Daniel Goleman and the Hay Group.

The first step in gaining the tools for a self directed life is then to begin activating your mission, and getting clarity on some of the contradictory data that we have. Data that acts as models or guides to what you believe to be better living or success and how to get it.

IQ testing for some when going through school became a worry and an impediment to setting a life course decision and a delay in trying to craft their innate mission. A struggle waged over would they be good enough to achieve the outcomes in life they set out to do? A struggle waged in the mind.

I feel we all live in our heads so much of the time that when we are faced with the circumstance that forces us to acknowledge that we also operate in a three-dimensional world and navigate through it by our somatic body, a body many times driven by unconscious decisions, this can be a shock to us.

We look to models as the guidepost along our journey in life to help point our way through. One guidepost often forgotten, but that has the propensity for success, is how we spend our time. If we would observe, we would find we spend most of our days in random thought and to a lesser degree imagining outcomes to situations that may or may not take place. In fact this process is the mechanism for life long learning. This process of our consciousness, is an alchemy of emotions, rational mind and our analytical capacities that act both as our allies and as obstacles. In our endeavors to live successfully, they can greatly move us forward in life, if focused with clear accurate data, barring that, then an acute observation and courageous adaptability must be developed. These qualities move us forward without trying to second guess ourselves or worse diverting ourselves away from our mission-meaning in life.

A second model or concept that needs reviewing is the idea of Education and the potential of learning. We are life long learners. Education is not a series of memorized pieces of data that we recite back for a short time and then forget. Nor is it the striving for the goal of coming up with a high test score from an intelligence test.  Education is learning and engaging with information useful to our life, that when implemented, moves our life course forward. So many think of their education as acquiring a piece of paper that says ‘Degree’ on it, thinking this is the magic key to immediate success and fortune. So many, because of buying into just getting that paper, that degree, and perhaps not comprehending all of its variables, are left with a Degree, debt, and having feelings of disappointment and /or betrayal.  

I am reminded of Chad Grills, the writer of the book “College or Not” when he was purported as saying “It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if we don’t have a high IQ, brand name college degrees, or a high GPA, we don’t have a propensity for meaning. Or, we worry that because we don’t have a sufficient degree of these (old) measures of intelligence, our ability for growth and service will decrease (an impediment to meaning). The reality is, science and research increasingly show that these old credentials and measures of intelligence don’t matter that much.”

To gain meaning in your life today, one must overcome outworn definitions and measurements of yourself.  Your task is to see yourself in a whole new way, creating a new narrative beginning with the idea of you as a Conscious Observer, you want to observe those concepts that seem to control, drive, and sometimes divert your life. It’s not necessary that you completely discard information found within concepts, but it is important that you examine the messages you accept from the information, especially those with a negative bent, thereby lessening negative effects to your talents and your overall success or mission. ⁠

Researcher Daniel Goleman and the Hay Group have shown that IQ placement accounts for a baseline of intelligence, therefore for a person to have mastery in life, would be more a matter of that person working with that baseline to create a mindset, and exercise  the ability to do critical examination and the agility for correction on faulty conclusions. Allowing them to hone and strengthen their natural abilities and talents to consciously move in the direction of their innate and chosen path in a way that leads to the intersection of where preparation, talent, and opportunity meet.

So, if the old Learning-to-Success model components are changing, what does one use as guidepost or indicators of attributes and skills needed in the new model for success? What traits, abilities, and skills can you emulate that can activate your quest toward meaning, success, and mastery now?

I suggest the concepts of Grit + Imagination + Skills as basic components of the new model. We are at a time in history were some of the world’s most innovative companies are looking for people driven by the new model to drive their missions and success. Why not use them to drive your own mission and success?  What do these new skills or traits look like?

Grit

Wikipedia defines grit as:

“A positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s passion for a particular long-term goal or end state, coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective. This perseverance of effort promotes the overcoming of obstacles or challenges that lie within a gritty individual’s path to accomplishment and serves as a driving force in achievement realization. Commonly associated concepts within the field of psychology include ‘perseverance,’ ‘hardiness,’ ‘resilience,’ ‘ambition,’ ‘need for achievement’ and ‘conscientiousness.’⁠”

We talked earlier about 'courageous adaptability.' Call it a short hand to describe  Grit.

Grit has in its makeup, conscious regulators,  such as patience and a unique attitude perspective in any given situation. Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, founder of logo-therapy, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, flushes out for us a key perspective on 'attitude,' with his words: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

If we can become conscious of our 'spaces between', our ‘timing’, and patience, as we endure what life throws at us, we’re well on our way to building grit, and from those experiences to make us stronger and also more compassionate of others.

Imagination

Imagination is that alchemy between our emotions, rational mind, and our analytical capacities, aka Creativity: once harnessed it is unmatched as a talent. Creativity harnessed is one of the most sought-after commodities in the world today. It has become a innovative and integral component of the new technologies that is needed to evolve, and propagate the many new products and services on the horizon. The alchemy of creativity becomes the futures great bastion of human expertise to perfect and master.

Building creativity skill can start as simply as by writing down ideas every day. Harnessing it can take longer. Needed then is the conscious awareness, the perception, and emotional balance brought into action during development, and implementation, of new ideas and products. Creativity coming forth as ideas are worked from good to desirable, to beneficial, and on to lucrative. Strategic thinking becomes then part of the blend in the creativity equation to produce better solutions and resources to problematic situations.

Skills

The one skill that will be prized above others will be the mastering of our emotions. Emotional mastery can be tricky for it is the practice of observing our thoughts and feelings as they arise and determining from what sources they spring. Choosing the ones that serve us and dismissing the ones that cause pain or frustration.

This is necessary in setting a life course and move us to our innate mission. Along the way, we find we produce marketable skills and our creativity builds value, in some cases where none previously seemed to exist. These marketable skills of the future may fall into one of the categories for: Art, Business, Engineering, Design, and Science. 

The beauty of these new skill sets is that they’re all self-reinforcing. That means that if you’re willing to build grit by operating in uncertainty, you naturally start to develop ideas to solve your challenges. This leads to a boost in imagination. As our imagination increases, we’ll have to find an outlet. Searching for an outlet to channel our energies will lead us towards wanting to build our skills. These three areas begin to strengthen each other, and the process of increasing this new type of intelligence becomes seamless. Once we are self-taught in one skill or field of study, we can repeat the process again and again. When we’re growing and improving, it becomes easier for meaning to manifest in our lives.

So in conclusion, I want to give you some insights from one of the ‘New’ industry leader’s thinking on the ideas of the new models of  Learning-to–Business success by Lazlo Bock.

Laszlo Bock is currently the CEO and Co-Founder of the Company named Humu, in Mountain View, California. He is the author of "WORK RULES! Insights from Inside Google to Transform How You Live and Lead", (which has been named one of the top 15 business books of 2015). He has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, and on the PBS Newshour 

Bock's marketing slogan for Humu is: “Making work better for everyone, everywhere, through science, machine learning, and a little bit of love.”

Bock's previous job was as the man in charge of hiring at Google, and this is what he had to say about the skills he looked for when they wanted to hire under his watch:⁠

“For every job, though, the #1 thing we look for is general cognitive ability, and it’s not I.Q. It’s learning ability. It’s the ability to process on the fly. It’s the ability to pull together disparate bits of information.”

Laszlo went on to say “the second most important thing they’re looking for: …is leadership — in particular emergent leadership as opposed to traditional leadership. Traditional leadership is, were you president of the chess club? Were you vice president of sales? How quickly did you get there? We don’t care. What we care about is, when faced with a problem and you’re a member of a team, do you, at the appropriate time, step in and lead. And just as critically, do you step back and stop leading, do you let someone else? Because what’s critical to be an effective leader in this environment is you have to be willing to relinquish power.”

We’ll uncover more about these attributes and traits in-depth in future articles. In the meantime think on these words

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life". - Maya Angelou

So if you need to get a handle on this or in moving forward drop me a note. We can go over or discover activities, habits, and techniques, without harassment or harsh judgment that is advantageous to a solid re-invention of a successful you. 

Urge for Adventure July 2018

HEY GUYS,

Photo Artist Juan Coronado at the Long Beach, Ca, Pike

 It’s July, Summer is now in full swing, outside activities and celebrations are great, the sun is high in the sky for longer days and for warm nighttime fun.

Some awesome choices for you to engage in, some even a bit outrageousness, can be found in our daily calendar of events for July, dazzle yourself with situations, and things to enhance your social standing, or if nothing else, to give you great conversation material.

After Perusing the July calendar page below. Check out Current or Pass Blogs pages by navigating the tabs at the top of each page. Find Items to reset your perspective or just enjoy the pictures.

From time to time this July, stop and ponder the words of Peter Marshall when he said: “May we think of Freedom, not as the right to do as we please, but as the opportunity to do what is right.”

July 2018 Special MONTH-LONG EVENT:

Sunscreen & Beach Sun

• Dog Days of Summer - July 3 - August 11
• National Anti-Boredom Month
• National Hot Dog Month
• National Ice Cream Month
• National Picnic Month
• National Parks Month
• UV Safety Month

July 2018 Special WEEK EVENT:

 Week 2 - Nude Recreation Week

•  Week 3 – Photo Capture the Sunset Week

SunSet Photo by Linda Clugston Grimsley

July 2018 DAILY Special & WACKY DAY Events:

Sun. July 1         Canada Day

Bob Biddle model for Space Alien

Sun. July 1        International Joke Day

Sun. July 1        Resolution Renewal Day

Mon. Jul 2           I Forgot Day

Mon. Jul 2         World UFO Day

Tue. Jul 3           Compliment Your Mirror Day

Tue. Jul 3           International Plastic Bag Free Day

Tue. July 3         Stay Out of the Sun Day

Tue. July 3              Superman Day

Price of War from M. S. work Injuried Beauty

Wed. Jul 4         Independence Day (U.S.)

Wed. Jul 4         Indivisible Day

Thu. July 5        Bikini Day

Thu. July 5        National Apple Turnover Day

Thu. July 5        5 Work-a-holics Day

Thu. July 5        Work Without Your Hands Day

Fri. Jul 6             World Kissing Day

Fri. Jul 6             National Fried Chicken Day

Fri. Jul 6             Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day

Sat. Jul 7            International Day of Cooperation

Sat. Jul 7            Tell the Truth Day

Sat. Jul 7            World Chocolate Day

Sat. Jul 7             Global Forgiveness Day  

Video The Game on Humans

Sun. Jul 8           Video Games Day

Sun. Jul 8           National Blueberry Day

Sun. Jul 8           Math 2.0 Day (math intermingling with technology)      

Sun. Jul 8           SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama)

Mon. Jul 9         National Sugar Cookie Day

Tue. Jul 10         Bee Awareness Day

Tue. Jul 10         Clerihew Day (write that Poem)

Tue. Jul 10         Global Energy Independence Day

Tue. Jul 10         Teddy Bears' Picnic Day

Tue. Jul 10         Piña Colada Day

Wed. Jul 11       Cheer Up the Lonely Day

Wed. Jul 11       Slurpee Day

Wed. Jul 11       World Population Day

Thu. Jul 12        Different Colored Eyes Day

Thu. Jul 12        Pecan Pie Day

Thu. Jul 12        Simplicity Day

Fri. Jul 13           Friday the 13th

Fri. Jul 13           Embrace Your Geekness Day

Fri. Jul 13           French Fries Day

Freddy Adu

Fri. Jul 13           World Cup Soccer Day             

Sat. Jul 14           Bald is In Day           

Sat. Jul 14           Body Painting Day  

Sat. Jul 14           International Nude Day  

Sat. Jul 14           Macaroni and Cheese Day

Sun. Jul 15         Give Something Away Day

Sun. Jul 15         Gummi Worm Day

Sun. Jul 15         National Ice Cream Day

Mon. Jul 16       Corn Fritters Day

Mon. Jul 16       Global Hug Your Kid Day

Mon. Jul 16       Get Out of the Doghouse Day

Mon. Jul 16       Personal Chef’s Day

Tue. Jul 17         Peach Ice Cream Day

Tue. Jul 17         World Emoji Day

Tue. Jul 17               Wrong Way Day      

Wed. Jul 18       International Nelson Mandela Day

Wed. Jul 18       National Caviar Day

Wed. Jul 18       National Hot Dog Day

Thu. Jul 19        Get to Know Your Customers Day 

Thu. Jul 19        National Daiquiri Day

Thu. Jul 19        National Raspberry Cake Day

Fri. Jul 20           International Cake Day

Fri. Jul 20           Space Exploration Day

Fri. Jul 20           Ugly Truck Day

Sat. Jul 21          Global Tug-of-War Day

Sat. Jul 21          National Junk Food Day

Sat. Jul 21           Toss Away the ‘Could Haves’ & ‘Should Haves’ Day

Sun.  Jul 22        Ice Cream Day

Sun. Jul 22         Hammock Day

Sun. Jul 22         Parents' Day

Sun. Jul 22         Pi  Day

Mon. Jul 23       33rd day of Summer. 61 days left until Fall. 

Tue. Jul 24        Cousins Day

Tue. July 24      International Self Care Day

Tue. July 24      Greece Restoration of Democracy Day

Tue. July 24      National   Tell an Old Joke Day

Tue. July 24      National Tequila Day

Photo of Home Chef Extraordinaire Marsha Barnhat Clayton's Pot Pie

Wed. July 25     Culinarians Day salute good cooking

Wed. July 25     Red Shoes Day

Wed. July 25     Video Games Day

Thu. July 26      All or Nothing Day succeed or fail, but no indecision.

Thu. July 26      National Refreshment Day

Thu. July 26      Global One Voice Day' Universal Peace Covenant

Fri. July 27        Talk in an Elevator Day

Fri. July 27        Take Your Pants for a Walk Day

Fri. July 27        Take your Plants for a Walk Day

Sat, July 28        International Hepatitis Awareness Day            

Sat. July 28        National Day of the American Cowboy

Sat. July 28        National Milk Chocolate

Sun, July 29      International Chicken Wing Day

Sun. July 29      National Lasagna Day

Mon. July 30     National Cheesecake Day

Mon. July 30     National Father-in-Law Day

Pick up a paperback today Photo courtesty of William Flyod

Mon. July 30     International Day of Friendship

Mon. July 30     Paperback Book Day     

Tue. July 31      Uncommon Musical Instrument Day

Tue  July 31      National Mutt's Day

U. S. National Park Rangers

Tue. July 31      World Ranger Day 2018

What Does Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone Feel Like

One Man’s Experience Of Moving Out Of His Comfort Zone
Shared by Calvin Harris. H. W. M.

Model Dominique Claude Marneau,  by German Photo Artist Mario Dollinger  in Paris France

What is your comfort zone? Well, a simplistic answer would be anything that keeps us away from feeling or experiencing uncomfortable degrees of mental or physical stress or elevated levels of anxiety. 

Yet many mental health practitioners suggest being able to get out of your comfort zone is actually a healthy thing to do, it can increase your agility and  mental fitness.  That in turn can widens the perimeter of your comfort zone.  The Business world seems increasingly competitive, yet those with mental agility seem to survive and prosper in any economy. When we look at the world, in general, we see that the quality of life has an uncertainty about it thus causing fear and stress as an intricate part of modern life. those who have repeatedly step out of their comfort zone are in a better position to deal with sudden and unexpected change.

One way to expand your comfort zone is by taking controlled risks and doing things you normally would not do, such as a change of routine. Engaging change makes us flexible to new possibilities and to novelty. Novelty can stimulates those brain chemicals that make us feel happy and continues to motivates new discovery.

 Corey Levitan is the writer in this feature article for SOC,  in our section know as 'Other Voices.' 

Maxim 2018

Corey originally wrote this piece for Maxim magazine,  in January  2016, as a writer on assignment, but what he wrote was in a way, not the usual fare that Maxim magazine doles out to its readers.  Certainly not the usually representation on the concept of love.

He writes about himself and about an expanded concept called Love, but by his stepping out of his comfort zone he stepped into a Universal Truth about love and empathy, that would  takes on even a different spelling of the word Love - A G A P E.

Yes, Corey's story was somewhat dis-comfortable for him, but Corey’s experience also allowed him to slow down. Ponder, look around, observe, absorb and interpret everything he’d experience with a expanded vision. 

 

 “There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.” - Aldous Huxley

I WAS A PROFESSIONAL MAN SNUGGLER

Our intrepid correspondent investigates the warm and fuzzy world of cuddling for cash. By COREY LEVITAN,  for Maxim Magazine JAN 27, 2016

The author pictured in mid-snuggle with his client.

I’m a straight man. I watch sports, surf Pornhub, and I’m married to a lovely woman who sometimes even agrees to have sex with me.

But recently, I agreed to the strangest intimate experience of my life: I was chosen to snuggle by a beefy dude who spotted my photo on a professional cuddling site.

Let me explain. I pitched this stunt to Maxim as an exploration of the weird world of professional cuddlers. Non-sexual cuddling was supposedly created in 2004 by two New York City relationship coaches as a way to reintroduce intimacy to young people living increasing percentages of their lives online.

Their “Cuddle Parties” were so successful, cuddle-preneurs began offering up stables of solo practitioners. Snuggle Buddies, run by 28-year-old Evan Carp out of his New Jersey home, advertises more than 230 cuddlers in 39 states, 99 percent of whom are female. But Carp agreed to list me as “Holden” — Get it? Holdin’? — his ninth male cuddler. The service costs $80 per hour, or $324 for an overnight, with a 50/50 Carp/cuddler split.

I was seriously hoping the first person to request Holden would be a woman. (Did I mention seriously?) But unsurprisingly, it turned out to be a big, gay dude.

“Just relax, it won’t hurt as much,” one friend commented on my Facebook update about the booking. Other helpful comments included: “Something seems seriously wrong about this” and “Dude, you’re gonna get fucked.” 

Steven (not his real name) is in his mid-40s and, like me, lives in Las Vegas. He works in advertising and his hobbies apparently include, judging by the size of his arms, hitting the gym way more than I do.

After he welcomed me into his apartment and poured two Chardonnays, we awkwardly tried getting to know each other. Steven had never professionally cuddled before, either, and we laughed nervously about the fact that both of us will be able to continue making this claim.

“I just saw the word snuggle and thought it was different,” he told me. “I could have called an escort if I wanted a fuck. I’ve had that before and I didn’t want that.”

Steven had an awful 2015. He lost his job and his shoulder to lean on about it because his boyfriend dumped him. He’s new to town and doesn’t know many people—certainly not anyone willing to serve up some no-strings-attached snuggling.

“I just wanted an emotional connection,” he explained.

He motioned me over to his leather living-room couch, where I sat down on the far end. Steven’s head fell onto my chest. It was heavier than it looked, and warmer. In fact, it quickly heated up the Arizona State football jersey I wore to telegraph my unwavering heterosexuality.

My hands rested on his chest, frozen. I admitted that I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to move them without indicating sexual interest. Steven laughed. 

“You don’t have to move them,” he said, looking up at me upside-down. “I just want you to hold me and talk to me.”

I asked Steven why he picked me for his first paid snugglefest. I braced myself for a compliment about my handsomeness, the kind I only hear from my wife when I wear a suit. 

“You were the only one local,” he replied. (Oh, I didn’t realize. I felt relieved that he wasn’t super attracted to me, although a little insulted, too.)

Sensing my anxiety, Steven then pointed at the lack of a bulge in his sweatpants.

“It’s nothing sexual, see?” he said. (In fact, Snuggle Buddies make all cuddle-ees sign a contract promising that no sexual activity of any kind will occur—even kissing.)

After about 10 minutes, I began to relax. It started to feel very safe and nice, actually—like that Friends episode where Joey and Ross accidentally take a nap together, freak out about it, then decide that they kind of like it. 

Science would seem to back them up. According to 350 studies published over the past 20 years, touching other humans delivers emotional and physiological benefits, including lower blood pressure and cortisol levels. The journal Psychological Science even reported that cuddling can boost the immune systems of people exposed to the common cold.

Steven and I chatted about the things we hate in serious relationships. Even with his ex-boyfriend, snuggling was a rarity because any touching was misconstrued for a sexual advance. He tells me some other things about his ex that suggest he was an abusive asshole, and when I use that description, my right knee receives a pat of appreciation.

Soon, strangely, it was me who needed this as much as Steven. I thought about all the guys I embrace in my life, including some of my best friends, who always pull away from a bro-hug after about two seconds --recoiling due to our society’s wrongheaded sexualization of the male embrace.

I realize that my first five minutes on Steven’s couch amounted to more physical intimacy than I’ve ever shared with my own father, the man I love more than anyone else on Earth. And I’m usually the one breaking off the hug when we greet each other. Why? (This saddens and angers me because he’s getting very old and we probably don’t have many greetings left.) 

My ringing iPhone interrupts this flood of insight. It’s the 45-minute mark and, as planned, my buddy Adam Brooks is calling to make sure I don’t say “kettle corn.” (That’s my safe word.)

The tough-guy star of TV’s Sin City Bounty Hunters has been waiting outside in the car, in case things got out of hand. You know, in the way they might when you’re inside a complete stranger’s house after posting a sketchy online ad, and you’re hoping not to get sexually molested or perhaps even cuddled to death.

Now that I know how harmless Steve is, I feel like a total dick for bringing along my own personal snuggle pimp. But, nice guy that Steve is, he pretends the phone call never happened and we wrap up the hour by uncuddling and saying our goodbyes. I tell him I hope he got what he wanted out of that. 

“I know you did,” he says.

Very true. My dad’s getting a bear hug when he visits next week.

Email him at coreylevitan@gmail.com

Eye Contact and The Lost Art of Communication by Calvin Harris H. W., M.

Feet & Pool by Photo Artist Juan Coronado

Recently at a pool party that I attended, someone unknown to me, who was sitting in my vicinity said, “I love how animated your eyes are.” I turned, and what I saw in the way of eye contact, told me far more than what the persons spoken words did, regarding what was really being thought.  This brush with the eye contact turned out to be an icebreaker for pleasurable and witty communication throughout the rest of the afternoon.

It turned out that this person had worked at Berkeley and now Stanford University in the areas of Global Security.  In the context of this work it was mention that accurate and usable communication is vital to security and the success of operations.  The conversation then turned to today’s cultural climate, and the difficulty of obtaining and reading the most basic of non-verbal language communication between individuals, be it visually, vocal, or physical, all are exhibiting affects of atrophy. This loss of vital communication tools and skills has meant less ability to decipher deeper levels of interpersonal communication,  and they have been replaced sadly with isolating insular social media and texting.

Vintage Photo of Prosperos Students Bob Labansat & Michael Zonta

People don’t gaze into another person’s eyes as if into a "window to the soul" anymore because that would mean they would have to take their face out of their hand-held device screens to acknowledge the existence of another human usually standing right next to them.  To have a face to face encounter seems most difficult for many today, especially if the communication had to go beyond just the briefest exchange of words negating a more accurate ability to deduce a person's state of mind or intentions.

As our conversation continued, I noticed, my companion’s quick scans of my body language and that of the other party guess, this information gathered about body lanuage and by looking into the eyes of others,  was not just about color of eyes or the shape of the eye but more to do with the eye function in context to the face and the resulting messages being sent-received consciously or unconsciously between people. The eye pupil dilates when one is interested in a person or an object that is being observed.

With a coquettish laugh, I said yes, there is a world of important feelings and thought that are communicated by one’s body, face and especially their eyes.  I continued by saying the benefits derived from such perception can give one an appearance of mind reading. I laughed again.  My companion turned, smiled and said This type of conscious observation is a lost art not understood by many, nor is it taught to anyone save the military, some branches of government, and high profiled business persons.  Yet it is a worthwhile skill for anyone to have, but atlas teachers nor instruction is not readily available.  How would you suggest going about teaching something like that, I was asked? 

Surprised at the question, I took a sip of my drink and thought about it. These were once active skills that had been developed through social engagements, therefore to reactive them would be liken to physical therapy for an unused muscle.  It would need conscious exercise in a social setting to reengage the skills. The developing user would need to be willing to consciously risk engaging in deeper levels of personal interaction within social settings. This could entail a few mistakes and some surprising reactions from others before the skill is perfected and becomes a habit. And finally, keep it playful, think of it as a game, a game in gaining extended perception as an advantage for success

My companion and myself discussing ideas through free association of our thoughts, conceived of a spectrum for eye contact. On the one end of the spectrum would be the person who was the persistent starer, we laughed saying, how creepy that guy would come off, as all sinister or crazy. Persistent eye contact or staring, can make the other person perceive you as intimidating, or persistent, they can feel threatened and defensive or if nothing else uncomfortable.

We contemplated the question of the other end of the spectrum, the person who avoids looking at another person or with fleeting eye contact.? Perhaps caused by the person having feelings of shame when looking at another person brought on by cultural upbringing; Then again it could be brought on by being awkward around someone they like, having eyes turn away trying to reach for something to say, or to find an answer to a question; Not to be forgotten in this category are those people who looks away because of wanting to be dishonest or deceptive. This category of people comes off to the conscious body language reader, as nervous, or insincere, or worse disinterested. Attributes that makes it hard for any person to build associations and or to kindle romance. 

Point of View

I do find my eyes drifting from time to time in the best of conversations.  If the observer of my action is astute, based on the conversation taking place, they would be able to tell by my eye direction and where I am looking, whether I am possibly thinking or feeling something related to our conversation, or that my attention has been redirected. 

A clue to check is the direction someone's eyes are looking, such as a right handed person,  if they are thinking, their eyes would look to their left. This is an indication that they're reminiscing or trying to remember something. On the other hand, looking to their right indicates more creative thoughts, and this is often interpreted as a potential that someone may be actively 'creating' a version of events, or is being deceitful in some way. Of course, if someone is left handed, then the direction indicators may be reversed.
 

Eye contact should be natural when engaging with others, I am told, that people hold eye to eye contact around 70 to 80 percent of the time.  The other 20 to 30 percent they are found looking away. And these percentages will change based on whether the person is the speaker or the listener. 

If you are new to all of this, and want to begin, begin by not trying to look into both eyes of the other person, holding the proper gaze may be too much at the start, rather focus eye contact on just one of the other persons eyes, and that each time that you re-engage eye contact insure you engage with that same eye.
Natural eye contact has a softly focus on the speaker face.  I’m reminded that this soft focus was an evolutionarily wiring that helped our progenitors assess danger when engaging with another tribe, by detecting the speakers intentions and whether that other tribe could be trusted or not. Thus, we see, our eyes have always had a predominant role to play in how we interact with our environment, including the social environment. 

So, my conclusions to you are, if you want to be perceived in Business or Socially as someone that is confident, charismatic, trustworthy, or just approachable (all precursors to being popular or successful.) Pay attention to body communication and start with eye contact.  Challenge yourself to have some conversation in the day where you engage with another person, face to face.  . 

In learning to read facial and eye language, it takes the effort to really look into another person’s face, It can be awkward or threatening at first, especially in close physical proximity. A first step that may remedy that, is to do video chats. It will give you practice looking face to face and secondly it could start replacing some of your on-screen texting.  After you have gain some comfort with the video chat, decide as you leave your door each day to practice saying Hello, showing a smile and making eye contact with those you past.  Finally move on to holding soft eye contact conversation with people you meet,  looking for those non-verbal communication exchanges not expressed in words..

Photo Artist Jason Beamguard

You will discover that within a short time of using this practice, that you have developed a deeper connectivity with your physical social network and that you have built closer successful business and social relationships.

Extraordinary Results begin with small changes, Try it and let me know what you think –Calvin